Having Trouble Relaxing

I’m having trouble relaxing this weekend. My ego is clinging to the stress, and I haven’t been able to free myself. I was able to somewhat relax and enjoy watching the birds outside eat from my birdfeeder. I guess the stress issues make sense, because I’m starting to see my health deteriorate again, as well. The last 2 months have been really stressful, busy and intense, so I’ve gained some weight, my face is starting to break out and my hair is falling out a little more freely. I’ve also had some sharp pains in my jaw, which is not a good sign…

I tried to ask myself what Lissa Rankin likes to ask her patients: “What does your body need to heal?” Unfortunately, I don’t really know the answer. Rest? That’s the only thing that comes to mind. And exercise, but that’s more logical than spiritual. I don’t know what I need; I just very obviously need something.

I’m also starting to surrender to that fact that I feel a need to impress people; to impress myself. I’m not sure where that leaves me. I get defensive and resistant even saying that (which means some part of it is true). This doesn’t mean what it sounds like on the surface. The loaded meaning of those words is what I am defensive about, because if you said that to any random person, the idea they’d get in their head is not the truth here.

But let’s think about it. Let’s start small. Let’s look at my priorities. My priorities start with what other people notice: Work. Work clothes. Trying to get somewhere on time (and failing – at least lately). Doing every activity and task that is asked of me. What gets pushed aside? Everything people don’t see. I’m struggling to keep my house in order. To keep it clean. To keep it organized. Forgetting to get the mail. That falls to the backburner when everything else turns into an emergency. And I hate it. It stresses me out to see everything a mess, but at the same time, it isn’t a priority. Granted that’s been legit lately, but still. It’s been the case on a smaller scale ever since I started working. If no one is going to see it, it isn’t a top priority.

That’s not the case with good deeds and manners, though. I’ll do those without any recognition. I can spread love without expecting it to be a big deal; without expecting anything in return. But maybe in that case I’m impressing myself? I don’t know how that works. At what point to you separate doing the right thing because it is right, and doing it to impress yourself and feel good about yourself? Or does it matter? Obviously doing the right thing would make you feel good, because you are connecting to the Uni-verse and connecting to Love. As long as you expect nothing in return, maybe that’s fine.

But then throw in the fact that I love to please authority. I love to be the good girl; the responsible girl; the smart girl; the dependable girl. I see myself as the responsible girl who always does the right thing, and if she does screw up, it was not intentional and I learn quickly from my mistakes and never repeat them. That’s how I see myself, and anyone who actually knows me sees me in the same way. I say the people who “actually know me” because I can’t speak for the people I only see every so often who have only seen me in specific contexts. Sometimes I get the feeling they have really weird ideas about me. And that’s fine. It’s curious sometimes, but it doesn’t bother me, unless of course I’m stressed out like crazy and something they say that is evidence to their misjudgment ticks me off.

See? “Misjudgment”. Which means I don’t care how they see me, because I know the truth. I have confidence in myself. But is that enlightened and spiritual? I’m declaring a certain thought to be right and a certain thought to be wrong. That goes against the idea of acceptance and everyone’s perception being correct in their own way. Well, I’m not really deciding it is wrong. When they say something that doesn’t line up with my truth, I think about the context in which they have seen me. I think about what they’ve seen me do and say, and I can usually see that it makes sense. I can put myself in their shoes and see where they are coming from, but I know that they don't have all the information. So their “misjudgment” is true based on the knowledge they have, but not on all the information. That’s where I used to get in trouble, though. That’s where I feel like I have to defend myself sometimes. I have to give them the information that proves their judgment to be false. And then they try to bend my information to match their judgment, and it ticks me off, because they bend it such that it isn’t the truth anymore. It’s like I’m trying to describe a fruit for them, and they declare it is an orange when I was trying to describe an apple.

But that puts me in a dangerous position. I’m too smart for my own good. If I wanted to, I could influence how they perceive me. I mean, I probably do, without meaning to. That’s the line where intelligence can become evil. When you use it to manipulate people. I had an ex-boyfriend like that. It drove me crazy, because I could see right through him and just wanted him to admit it. Take my advice and don’t ever expect people to admit it. It they’re smart enough to do all that in the first place, they are smart enough to not admit it when they’ve been figured out. If they are selfish enough to do it in the first place, why would they ever admit to it? Don’t be like me and try to get people to admit their faults. Things you say may click in their head, but they’ll never admit it so it’s a lost cause sometimes. I just wasn’t used to that, because everyone else I “help” will admit that I’m right (yep, you heard me), so it baffled me that this guy wouldn’t just admit it.

I have no desire to manipulate people, though. Actually, I learned a lesson long ago about that. My first serious relationship I realized I was too controlling, and figured out that’s not what I want. I don’t want someone I have to change or control, because then the relationship is completely fake. Then you don’t know who they are and what they would do normally. The vulnerability and connection is broken. That’s why I’m picky now, because I know what I want, so I know to choose someone who is already that way, because I’m not going to control them. They can do their own thing, and when I realize they’re not what I want, I leave. Of course anyone who hears this is like, “But nobody’s perfect!” and of course now I am learning acceptance, but that’s not the type of thing I’m talking about here. I’m talking, if the guy is going to blow me off instead of talking to me when we have problems, that’s not what I want. If the guy is going to check out every girl that walks by and disrespect women, that’s not what I want. That sort of thing. I don’t care if the guy plays video games or bites his nails or leaves the toilet seat up. Those aren’t deal breakers for me. I think most people talk about “what they want” and they have stupid superficial criteria like having money and being successful, as far as having “the right” career and whatnot. C’mon, my readers! You know me better than that by now!

Okay I’m just ranting now. There’s just a lot of thoughts and stress going through me right now. So much to do. I want to clean my house as much as humanly possible this weekend. I need to hand-wash a ton of work clothes and iron them. I need to bathe my cat and change her litter. I need to exercise.

Wait! I don’t NEED to do anything. I WANT to do those things. Those things will make me happy. I need, er, I WANT to remind myself of that. There is no To Do List this weekend. There are things I can do, should I choose to. But there is no To Do List or expectation of things I SHOULD do. That will probably help with the stress…