Believe In Love Again

The other day I had a low point, but of course I came back from it even stronger. For starters, I have been so stressed out and overwhelmed with my schedule that I had to just cancel everything and take a day for myself. I needed a whole day where I didn’t have a To Do List dangling over my head; where I wasn’t looking at the clock; where I could just BE.

This, however, meant I got to work through a lot of emotions that had been dragging along behind me the past few weeks. I was happy to finally get some time to work through them. Honestly, I probably cried for a third of the day, but the feelings came and went, and I was able to guide myself through it to a better perspective. I just needed the TIME to do it, instead of letting it sit on my heart like an elephant, weighing me down and making everything else in my life that much more difficult, because keeping that elephant from crushing me was already taking so much energy.

Here’s the summary of the thoughts I had to work through. First of all, I just had to relax. My busy schedule was going to be okay. One thing at a time. One day at a time. It would be fine. Second, I’m still stuck in my negative view of relationships. I’m very depressed and bitter about how I perceive men to view women. I feel like men view women as sex objects and then as baby makers, care takers and home makers. I don’t feel like there is any mental and emotional equality in those views, and I feel like no guy raised in that way would ever be someone I wanted to attach my life to. I want an emotional and mental equal. I want someone who feels the same way about life, love, people, relationships, right and wrong, etc. I want someone who wants me in their life because we are SOUL mates, not because I fill a role in his life (i.e. wife, mother, cook).

This of course is a negative perception that will be manifested if I choose to believe it. I can’t generalize people like that. Sure, television preaches it and a lot of the guys I know are like that, but there are HOW MANY people in the world? A lot. It would be very presumptuous of me to declare that everyone is like that. There may not be someone out there who is what I currently want, but not everyone is horrible, either. I just don’t quite believe that yet. But I do know and BELIEVE that if you don’t think something exists, you WILL NOT FIND IT. And what you are looking for, YOU WILL FIND. So I’m trying to remind myself of that.

Talk about Divine Timing… I happened to turn on the tv that night and catch what I guess you’d call a “chick flick”. If you know anything about me, you know that I am NOT a girly-girl. I don’t watch chick flicks, for the most part. But I watched this one. It was Remember Sunday. I was curious because it sounded like the same concept as Memento, except a love story instead of a revenge story: A guy loses his ability to create new memories, so when his short term memory is ready to dump into his long term memory, everything just gets erased, so he wakes up every day not knowing where he is or what he did. He has to write notes and come up with a system to live life with any kind of continuity. In Memento, he is trying to solve a mystery and avenge his dead wife. In Remember Sunday, he meets a girl and has amazing date after amazing date with her and falls in love every single day (because every day he meets her for the “first” time).

Anyways, so the chick flick kind of made me remember that everything isn’t completely hopeless. I realize life isn’t like a movie as far as that, and really it shouldn’t be, but it just reminded me that people can love. I’ve had it before, I just like to forget, apparently. And when I have it, so much of my negativity either goes away or is tested for its importance and validity. I just have to remember to take my negative thoughts with a grain of salt. I have to make sure to not shut out Romantic Love, just because I now see it as a desperate attempt for people to fill voids in their lives, souls and confidence.

Believe in love again.

Didn’t Richard from Texas say that in Eat Pray Love? I feel like I’m at that point. That phrase puts me to tears, because right now I don’t. I truly believe I will end up alone, because no one is good enough for me. No one is what I want. What I want isn’t possible. I just have to remember that, at best, that is only true RIGHT NOW. I will change; what I want will change; other people will change. Everything is always changing, and even if that is true right now, it won’t always be true – but it WILL be true if I refuse to let Love and Light into my life. If I choose to stubbornly believe that love does not exist, then for me, it won’t.