Stop Reading and Start Living!

I’ve been pretty busy this week. Work has been busy, a little bit of drama and a bunch of obligations and responsibilities. I definitely started to feel overwhelmed. I made some lists for myself, prioritized by when things needed to get done, and I tried to remind myself that I’m only one person, so I’ll do my best, and that’s all I can do. I did pretty well. I’m just really worn out now.

I got behind on my May Cause Miracles workbook. I missed one day completely, and I had to speed-read on a couple other days. I’m not happy about that. I’ve decided to start those days over. I want to make sure my heart is in the exercises. It isn’t a race or something. I’m not obligated to do it each day. If I’m not going to do it right because I am so swamped, then I’d rather just wait until I have some time. So that’s what I’m going to do.

I’ve also noticed some resistance. These concepts I’m working through are not going to be resolved overnight. Also, I can end up with the same opinions – I just have to rid myself of the fears underneath them. It’s such a weird situation. I have to make myself okay with things that I despise, which feels impossible. And then after I do that, I can go back to hating it? So frustrating. I’d obviously rather just continue hating it. But then I won’t be fixing the problems underneath. I hear and see things on tv that still upset and depress me. So I’m not there yet. I actually even had a moment today where I got sad and felt like I would truly end up alone, especially now that I don’t really see a point to a relationship anymore. If you work on yourself, live an authentic life and stay centered, then you have no voids to be filled by a relationship. And now relationships seem like a cop out. You don’t need one. You have to feel complete yourself, and then you won’t even feel like you need one. That’s how I’m interpreting that right now. Still depressing though. Sigh. Still figuring that one out.

This post is sounding depressing! It wasn’t supposed to be. Just stating the facts. There’s still been all sorts of improvement. Things that would normally put me in a bad mood I’m able to look at differently and just let it pass through me. I’m also managing the stress and hectic schedule much better than usual – I think I exhaust myself and avoid the work a little bit normally, but I kept at it this time. So there’s good and bad. All part of the journey.

It’s pretty cool, because for so long I was just reading books and blogs, trying to apply the knowledge to my past, basically. Lately I’ve been required to apply it to my present. I got behind on reading The Daily Love, and when I went back and started getting caught up, I noticed that the posts were on the exact things I was dealing with! It’s almost like life was saying, “That’s enough reading. It’s time to implement what you’ve been learning. You’re ready to test it out. Get out there and get some practice, and then come back and read about it after you do it.”

Make sure to put your knowledge into practice. Don’t sit around thinking about how you want to act – go do it!

Life's Homework Assignments

This week has been pretty interesting. Life definitely stepped it up and gave me a lot of “assignments” or “tests” this week. There were a lot of unpleasant scenarios where I had to choose how I wanted to deal with it – react out of anxiety, anger and fear, or act out of love. These were scenarios that required me to figure out a balance. I knew I didn’t want to get all angry, but I couldn’t “let it go” either. I had to deal with it. I had to address it in a balanced way.

For the sake of the people involved, even though this is fairly anonymous, I won’t go into details. This is not a gossip blog. I’ll try to address the big-picture issues, because what happened is still extremely important and could be useful to others. In fact, I KNOW it will be useful to others.

Scenario #1 deals with someone trying to give me help that I did not ask for, and had little time to respond to because I was so swamped at work. I ended up saying I was starting to get frustrated with them, and I asked them to please just do what we had agreed to. I had the impression they were mad at me after that, because they didn’t do what they’d planned on doing, and I hadn’t heard from them. Half-asleep from a busy day, I decided to sit down and at least write an e-mail, since I did not have the energy to call and ask what happened that same day. I wrote out how I understood how they might be mad at me, and took the time to explain the situation. I explained how busy I was, and wrote out all the details of the explanations that I did not have time to go into earlier. I apologized if I offended them and expressed that I really valued their help, and I knew they were not required to give me that help.

Turns out they had just fallen asleep.

Still, it was probably good of me to clarify why I was starting to seem frustrated. But by acting out of love instead of getting all angry and defensive, I avoided creating a problem that wasn’t there. I was proud of myself.

Scenario #2 deals with me feeling disrespected. I let it build up and got angry, but only snapped a tiny bit. I went home, tried to cool down and write out what I wanted to say to that person. I wanted to make sure it was not emotionally charged. I worked hard on wording it such that I simply made the points I needed to make and expressed how their words and behaviors made me feel, without assigning blame or insulting them. I knew wording it in a negative way would only further antagonize the problem. I couldn’t ignore this problem, but I couldn’t approach it from a place of negativity, either.

So today I sat down with the person. I first apologized for snapping at them, and said that I could have handled that better. I then read my speech (the person understands my need to write things out). I was so nervous. I didn’t know if it would still cause a fight. It didn’t! The person was grateful for what I said and how I said it. I had also made a suggestion as to how to avoid situations like the one that ticked me off, and they thought it was a great idea. The person even gave me some constructive criticism, which I accepted and promised to work on. It all worked out beautifully.

It is SO IMPORTANT to stop and cool down instead of reacting. Both of those situations this week could have blown up into huge disasters if I had decided to get angry and defensive. These situations really tested my will-power and my dedication to approaching life and problems with love. Most of the things I’ve been working on lately simply had to do with letting things go. Scenario #2 forced me to deal with a problem where I wasn’t allowed to get angry the way I was used to, and I wasn’t allowed to let it go, either. Those are the easy ways out, but they cause more problems down the line. I was forced to actually handle the problem in a mature manner. And I did it! People don’t fight you when they know you’re not attacking them.

What assignments has life been giving you? Did you approach those assignments with love?

Are You Scared to be In Shape?

The past couple days have been dredging up some unpleasant concepts and emotions. I know this is good, because it will allow me to resolve them, but it doesn’t feel that great.

As a miracle-minded person would expect, I’ve found inspiring forms of media that touch on the exact areas I’m struggling with. I’ve been listening to the World Tapping Summit audio files – two are available each day for 24 hours. Yesterday I listened to the ones about – you guessed it – weight loss, body image and self-confidence. The day before was about self-sabotage. All of these topics helped to explore my hidden fears that have been hiding in the shadows of my life.

To continue to be authentic, I’ll share some of those fears with you. I’ve been somewhat aware of this before, but am only now really dealing with the fact that part of me is scared to lose weight and look good because of the changes and new struggles that will appear in my life. While I’m carrying a little extra weight, I don’t really have to worry about being used for my looks. I can be looked at as a human being. No one is going to simply see me as an object to view or use. I think deep down I fear that if I lose weight and get fit, suddenly I’ll have to worry about why people like me. At that point, I can’t be sure if they like me for me or if they like me because of how I look. I won’t be filtering out the appearance-obsessed guys anymore. I will have entered, willingly or not, the competition of “who looks better?” I’m on the sidelines now, but if I get thrown into the game, I will risk “failing”.

Honestly, those thoughts had crossed my mind before, but nothing really sank in enough to flush out the fear. Anything related to that just stood in line and picked up its uniform at the “I don’t want to be sexy; Looks aren’t what matters; Girls are stupid ditzy sluts; I’m not playing that game” stand. I have all sorts of new calibrations to do on my thought process to rid myself of the fear and replace it with true self-acceptance and confidence no matter what I look like. And regardless, I know I have good intuition, so I don’t need to worry about getting used. I act like it will be so sneaky I won’t be able to notice. Oh, I will notice! See? I should have some faith in myself! My exes like to point out that “nothing gets past this girl,” so really, even if that fear was valid in the first place, I would still be fine.

A lot of what I’m reading and hearing right now supports my own experience as far as you can diet and exercise all you want, but if you are stressed out and miserable and have fears of success, you will not lose weight. Been there! I heard more examples on the audio session the other day, as well. If you are that stressed out, you are releasing cortisol and not absorbing nutrients properly, so you will not lose weight. Everyone’s body works differently, so it is important to tune in and figure out what is happening in your own body. All my life I kept hearing, “It’s all about portion size! Stop eating as much! Cut what you are eating in half!” I’d get so frustrated when people who wouldn’t take 2 seconds to analyze my own situation would give me that advice, because I HARDLY EAT ANYTHING. Cutting my portion size would be STARVING MYSELF. They’d swear it was all about food, and to prove that it wasn’t, I documented everything I ate and how many calories in addition to how many I was burning. Notice what I said there – to PROVE to everyone. I was looking for approval. I was worried about people assuming things about me. So on top of being stressed and miserable, I was additionally stressed about what people thought of my failure to lose weight. What a nasty, nasty hole to be stuck in.

As I mentioned in a previous post, that story has a happy ending. I found my dance studio, started to be happy, and the pounds started dropping off. I wasn't exercising as much as before, and I was eating fine but not ridiculously well as before. It really had to do with the stress and misery, as far as I can tell. I still have some more to go, though.

I still feel that frustration when people talk about portion size. I eat healthy, and if anything, I still don’t eat enough. I finally got myself in the habit of eating breakfast, which is great – I know that is so important. Starving yourself in the morning just makes your body think it is starving the rest of the day. It took some work to eat in the mornings – I didn’t like to do that before. Have just a little something, at least. A banana, a yogurt – something.

Okay I am no doctor or nutritionist so I’ll stop with the health advice there. The bottom line is, love your body as it is, take care of the soul inside, and the body will follow. One of the audio sessions said something resembling, “When the shape of your body no longer matches the shape of the mind within it, the shape of the body will change.” That weight might represent something in your life. It might be protecting you from something. Protecting you from standing out? Protecting you from a risk of failure? Protecting you from attention? Sometimes it is as simple as dealing with the thoughts in your head in order to resolve the more outwardly noticeable problems in your life.

How Much Do Other People's Opinions Matter?

Yesterday was a day of reflection in my daily exercises from Gabrielle Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles. I got to look back over all the emotions, realizations and progress I’ve made over the past week. I made a lot of progress, but it was interesting looking back at the negative moments over the last seven days.

There were times I got very frustrated. Sometimes I felt like I was being dismissed and disrespected, and other times I felt like people were telling me what I needed in my life, which actually has nothing to do with (and is sometimes the complete opposite of) what I know I need. I think anyone would feel some sort of negative feelings towards those sorts of concepts. Despite whatever stories other people tell themselves, I have to search deep down inside myself and remember that what other people think doesn’t matter. I don’t have to prove myself to them. No one is claiming to see deep into my soul and my life in order to attack my own knowledge of what is going on in there. And if they are, they are foolish.

I guess I just feel like I have to give off all the impressions of who I truly am, because if I’m giving off impressions that are not who I think I am, then I’m actually lying to myself about who I am. Does that make any sense?

I guess it goes back to my old (and current) way of thinking: Everyone sees themselves in a positive light. Everyone defends their own thoughts and actions. Everyone thinks they are the good guy; the one “in the right”. That’s not always the case. Sometimes that person is the one starting the fights; being unnecessarily rude; jumping to the wrong conclusions; acting selfishly; etc. That’s the logic I’ve been living by. Therefore, I acknowledge I am thinking in the same way, so if others have a different perspective of me, then that’s shedding light on something I’m not admitting to myself. For example (and this is not a real-life example) let’s say that I think I am honest and dependable. Then I hear that people are saying I’m a liar. Maybe I’d get defensive and be like “Oh, well THAT time I had a good reason.” Now, I know I am honest and dependable, and the fact that everyone around me knows that, too, further proves the point. So it isn’t that I care what people think, but that I acknowledge what other people think is a reflection of how I actually behave, which is a reflection of some level of truth about me.

And that’s also why I always feel like I have to prove myself or my ideas to people. If I can just explain it correctly, they’ll understand, and they’ll agree with me. Then they’ll see I’m right. Most of the time I’m successful.

Honestly I don’t even see why that is bad. I feel like the lessons I’ve been learning would say that I shouldn’t put any faith in what other people think. I think I’m still pretty valid in my thoughts here, though. I could even use that technique to target other aspects of myself, and that’s exactly where my problems come in. If someone is dismissing me, I start to wonder why. Have I presented inaccurate ideas before that caused them to form this opinion? Or are they just trying to compete with me and prove that their idea is better? I guess that’s where it starts to get unhealthy. One concept deals with my character; another concept deals with someone’s attitude towards me. Those are different. They can be connected, but they are not necessarily connected.

That’s also why I’m so bad at taking criticism, though. For so long I’ve decided (more like been trained) to blindly believe all criticism of me, such that I built up so much pain from thinking I was never good enough, smart enough or competent enough. At some point I started trying to heal myself, but I always ran into more of that criticism, as we all do, and it pours salt on those not-so-healed wounds.

Ah. My inner guide spoke up again. Balance. Always balance. Know when someone’s comments or opinions are a reflection of you, and know when they are a reflection of them. Not easy, but I think deep down we generally have some idea. It could even be both. If someone tries to make you feel stupid, first acknowledge that if they are making a huge deal about it -- that comes from their own issues. If they have to prove themselves by bulldozing over-top of you -- that is all about them. They have to prove they are right to defend their own dignity. After acknowledging that, maybe you can find a nugget of truth in there. Maybe you didn’t consider another perspective. Maybe you could be better prepared next time. As they say at The Daily Love, take what resonates, and leave the rest.

I just want to mention that for the past two posts, I had no idea what to write. Basically all of the other posts I was overflowing with ideas. These last two, I opened up a blank document and stared at it for a minute. I knew I just needed to start writing for things to flow in my head, but I’m surprised at how much came up. It really is rather therapeutic. I highly suggest to everyone that you journal regularly. Once you get going, all sorts of truths and issues can be revealed that otherwise would have just stayed in the background of your mind.

I guess I just finally cleared out all the stuff that was upfront, and now I’m leaving space for the deeply embedded issues to wiggle their way up and out.

What is Self-Confidence?

One of the ideas I’m toying with these days is the concept of self-confidence. What is it, really? People who are blatantly insecure are not confident; people who spend their lives competing and proving themselves are one mistake away from a complete meltdown, because their self-confidence is conditional, and therefore it is not true confidence. So what does real self-confidence look like? What does it feel like?

It took a lot of work to get through the resistance and denial protecting the areas of myself where I am not confident. I’d built quite a complex structure of logic, morals and rationality with a moat and alligators to defend those sore spots. Now that I’ve finally made it into the castle, I’m actually able to work on strengthening those sore spots. It feels different and it looks different. I’m not even sure how to explain it. Acknowledging that I’ve been hating my body and punishing myself has allowed me to start trying to remove that self-hatred. I’m starting to replace it with a love and compassion I might normally only feel towards other people whom I am close with.

If I had to describe the changes I feel, I’d say I almost feel like I’m glowing a little bit, and that a burden has been lifted. One less thing to stress about. Due to the new happiness, I think my body is responding, too. I noticed my cheeks look a little slimmer. Now I’m not sure if I’m perceiving my cheeks to be slimmer, or if they actually are slimmer… I think more needs to happen before I can say for sure. But when I love my body, my body loves me back, so I think that relationship is improving, and therefore my health, mental and physical, is improving as well.

This new and improved self-confidence is also helping me in activities. I noticed that I walk a little bit more confidently now. I also felt more at ease learning some new dance moves yesterday at my dance studio. The moves definitely required me to be confident and comfortable being sexy, which I’ve had issues with. I can move my hips and do body rolls with the best of them, but slow it down and make it more sensual and I get all bent out of shape. But being comfortable with myself is making it so much better.

I think self-confidence is the absence of feeling a lack. If you are insecure, you just sit in the lack. You know it is there, and you “know” you can’t fill it. If you are overcompensating, you are constantly pouring into a bottomless lack, trying to fill it; trying to get back to a balance/fulfillment that you only feel momentarily, if at all. I think when you are confident you simply don’t feel the lack.

What do you think? What does self-confidence mean to you?