I Don't Get It

Things I’m about to say are my perceptions that I’m working through, so bear with me. I’m about to declare things as “fact” about others that are possibly just my perception, which may be exactly what is screwing me up. So just keep that in mind. There is some raw soul searching going on right here.

I feel like deep down people are using sex to feel loved and accepted. I’ve even read it in a couple articles, even about men. I can even see how some girls are sluts simply because they use that feeling to feel loved and accepted. It’s not always true, but they let that feeling feed that need.

But it’s such a low priority and nonessential for me, and I think it’s because I know it’s a lie. Sex is a lie. Back in the day, I’d write out my arguments against sexual content in movies and the media because sex, in its most righteous and moral form, is supposed to be a private, intimate thing between people who love one another. That’s what it’s supposed to be. It’s supposed to mean you love each other, but it doesn’t. Not in this world.

How I feel love is by someone tending to my emotional needs and deeply caring for me and wanting my happiness. And not in a fake “let’s lie to her to keep her happy” way (which I can always sniff out), but in a genuine, true way. In an, “I completely understand where she is coming from, and I completely agree” way. I know that my happiness and emotions are my responsibility, but still, that’s how I receive love. Anything else is just the other person using me as a character in their own story. Anything else isn’t actually caring about me – they’re really just using me.

So maybe that’s part of my discomfort. This weird issue with how sex is “supposed to” mean love, but not. This thing being so powerful that everything sells based off of it, but me just straight up not understanding why people are so obsessed with it. I don’t get it. Without the love aspect, sex is completely unappealing. I don’t get how it stands on its own. I don’t get how people cheat, watch porn, fantasize or any other crap like that. I just don’t get it, and maybe that’s why it bothers me so much. This thing that RULES THE WORLD, that to me is supposed to be sacred and special, is just a Juggernaut of evil, and I don’t even understand the appeal. So it’s like, I can’t even think of it as special anymore, because clearly it isn’t, as the whole world, the media, and all the perverted men in the world that I’ve known have completely tainted it for me.

Which brings me to my initial comment. Maybe it makes them feel loved and accepted? Maybe, deep down, that is the appeal, and they are willing to live the lie that there is a connection? So maybe they are using people to feel loved? So when guys go out trying to “pick up chicks”, it’s just a cry out for love? “Please love me; please tell me I’m good enough”? I’m really never going to be able to determine if that is even remotely correct. It kind of makes sense, though, doesn’t it?

Regardless of what anyone else thinks about it, how do I make peace with it? It is everywhere. It is constantly shown and talked about. It makes me really paranoid when it comes to guys. I NEED to make some peace with this, I just don’t know how. I don’t know what peace can be made here. I think my general problem is simply that I don’t understand it. People fear what they don’t understand, right? So my fear is most likely just in my not understanding. But I’m proud of that. I’m proud that I don’t objectify people as sex objects. I’m proud that I don’t think of people in that way. It makes me the most loyal and trustworthy girlfriend ever, and I am damn proud of it. So what needs to happen? What am I not seeing here?