I’ve been pretty on-edge and stressed-out lately, and I
think part of the reason is that I’m trying to do too much as far as my
spiritual journey. I’ve come such a long way that I just want to fix everything
left in me and find my calling and just start doing it right away. Yeah, that’s
not how it works. I need to slow down. I don’t have to have it all figured out
right now. I shouldn’t be trying to rush myself and plot things out using the
ego-based logical mind. I’m not there yet - I shouldn’t be forcing it into a
box.
I guess you could say fear has been rearing its ugly
head. I keep thinking, so what is my calling? What will I be doing? What can I
be doing now to go towards that? I know my skills I’ve learned thus far should
be preparing me for something, so what is it? How do I use those skills in my
calling? Is my calling really counseling and artsy stuff? What about all my
education? Am I throwing that all away? I was LUCKY enough to have those
opportunities, and knowledge is how you make things happen, but am I being a
hippie just wanting to spread love and light? What if everyone did that, then
no one would do anything to keep the world running!
I have a lot of fears and questions right now. But that’s
when I stopped and reminded myself that I’m not there yet. I don’t have to
worry about all of that. I can’t jump ahead like that. I’m still figuring it
all out and still fixing myself. That will come LATER. It’s just hard to wrap
my mind around it. I literally don’t know if my career path is going to stay
the way it is or go in a different direction. I’m sure right now I can’t even imagine
what will end up happening with that, so there is no use in trying to pinpoint
it. It’s just hard when others are trying to help and guide me, when I don’t
even know if I’ll want to be around for it. I just don’t know. I guess just don’t
burn any bridges and learn all you can, which is what I’ve been doing. Don’t
say, “Oh I don’t care about that, that’s not the direction I want to go in,”
because I DON’T KNOW at this point. I really feel like the skills you learn are
for a reason, so I’m sure I will be much more down that path than I’d care to
admit at the moment.
I just wish I knew what lies ahead…
I’m also trying to turbo-boost my spiritual lessons. But
that’s not how it works. It takes time, and it is an endless journey. I’m
focusing on the wrong things. I know I need to focus on loving myself and being
happy, not on what lessons I’ve necessarily been learning. I’ll know when I
learn them, I don’t need to be hunting for them so forcefully.
You just have to keep reminding yourself that it’s all
about the journey, not the destination. Like a rollercoaster – the ride is fun
because of all the ups and downs, twists and turns, not because of where you arrive
when it stops. That’s the sad part! Maybe that’s it, though, maybe I’m trying
to create a twist or a turn. But if you aren’t experiencing them, you probably
aren’t ready to yet. Other twists are probably still sinking in.
Slow down and love yourself. That’s what I need to keep
telling myself throughout the day.
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