Go Full-Out

I haven’t been giving things my “all”. I think in an attempt to show people they are wrong, I do everything strictly the way they instruct, and of course it doesn’t work. And I know that as I’m doing it. But I’m using it as an excuse for some reason – maybe to perpetuate my feelings of being misunderstood and alone. For example, dance class. I feel like I’m not growing or pushing myself. Well yeah, because I’m putting as much effort into it as I PERCEIVE others are, which probably isn’t even true. I merely fit in, when instead I should be doing whatever I need to do to push MYSELF. Or at work – I don’t have to try to be respectful by just making minimal changes to a PowerPoint slide when I know I can do much better if I totally redo it. I’ve been noticing these things – areas where I think I’m doing what I’m “supposed” to do, but I’m holding myself back. I know better – so I should be DOING better. THAT’S why I’m not getting the results I want – because I’m settling for what everyone else thinks is the “right” way, and doing it perfectly by the book, when I already know that’s not going to get me what I want or need. So I’ve started giving myself permission to go full-out. At dance, even though I’m now super out of breath and sweaty, I’m giving the warm-ups my ALL. I’m making sharp, strong movements, because THAT’S what makes it enjoyable for ME. It pushes me, both in skill and in strength. And it’s FUN! At work, granted I was given permission to do it this time, but I’m going to go full out with my own ideas, because I’m starting to feel comfortable and confident in those ideas, and those ideas shouldn’t go to waste just because I’m trying to be “polite”, which doesn’t even make any sense.

I’m also starting to let my judgments show. I don’t know how I feel about that one, but I think it needs to happen as a Step 1 in a multi-step process. I’m so worried about not hurting people’s feelings that I’m just smiling and nodding like an idiot. No! If someone says something that doesn’t make sense, I’m going to at least express it in my face. I’m going to point out whatever it is that I’ve noticed. Again, normally I try to be polite and not pushy or rude. So far, when I’ve done this, I’ve either had no negative reactions, I’ve opened someone’s eyes to something they hadn’t thought of, and I allowed one feeling to fuel my efforts to resolve an issue… if that makes any sense. I don’t want to go into detail, but the point is, nothing bad happened. No one cried or yelled at me. I didn’t do anything bad by expressing myself, even when the expressions were what you might call “judgmental”. It’s only mean if that’s my intent. Well, for some people it can be mean even if they don’t intend it to be… but I’m so far off from that, that’s not a problem I have to face, at least for now. This is all about feeling comfortable expressing myself, good or bad. And it is working.

I have to stop following everyone else’s “rules” on how to achieve things, and stop trying to “prove them wrong” by PERFECTLY doing exactly what they ask, only to show that it doesn’t happen. I’m literally setting myself up for failure. I need to forget everyone else and do what I KNOW needs to be done, and go FULL OUT and just GO for it to accomplish whatever task I want to accomplish. I know that I can FEEL it when something isn’t working. I have to find the balance between the guilt (“I shouldn’t do this, I don’t deserve it…”) and the torture (“I don’t care if I’m in pain, I have to KEEP GOING!”). If I’m going to eat a piece of chocolate, then by golly I’m going to enjoy that piece of chocolate. If I’m lackadaisically doing an exercise move, I’m going to turn it into a sweet, sharp dance move and get into character with it! And if I feel my knee starts to hurt, or I feel dizzy, I’m going to STOP! And that’s just exercise. I need to do this in all areas of my life. I’m finally gaining the confidence in myself to do this sort of thing. I thought I had that confidence… but I see now that I really didn’t.

GO FULL OUT IN YOUR LIFE!