Just a Bully

The way I was raised, I never felt good enough. If I got a B+, why wasn’t it an A? It felt like a tiny flaw (at LEAST) was always found in whatever I was doing, and I was chastised for it. Always. How could I be so STUPID as to forget XYZ? I never felt I received praise, and I was always terrified of screwing up. And if I did do something right, it was expected, and we’d just be on to the next thing I screwed up on.

Then I got to college, and I saw how, based on those standards, everyone around me was a complete screw-up. Everyone else was an idiot. I was shocked and horrified. But guess what? That made me feel a whole lot better about myself. For the first time ever, I felt like I was doing okay. I may not be perfect, but I sure am a hell of a lot better than all these other idiots. And so began my judgmental reign.

Really, I’m just a bully. A compassionate bully who generally doesn’t say stuff to people’s faces, but a bully nevertheless. The more I notice other people screwing up, the more I can pat myself on the back for being smarter or better than they are. That’s my praise.

So my being judgmental is just to make me feel better about myself. Just like anyone else who is judgmental. Just like the horrible people who comment on YouTube and the people who viciously attack their opposite political parties. I have boundaries, and it may be on different things, but it’s exactly the same problem. Great…

How do I work on this? I guess every time I have a judgmental thought I need to turn it around on myself and tell myself it is okay to do or be whatever “it” is. But how do I believe myself? I don’t right now. If someone makes a really stupid decision, I can’t convince myself that it isn’t bad to make such a decision. If someone doesn’t know something completely obvious, it’s hard to not feel like they are an idiot, and that’s a bad thing. And I’m terrified of having people ever think I’m an idiot, so I make damn sure never to come off that way.

I’ll have to meditate on it. It’s funny how freeing others from your judgment is tightly tied to freeing yourself from judgment.

Start with the Person in the Mirror

You can’t help the world until you take care of yourself. You can’t bypass that part, because until then, you’re just reacting based on your own fears and judgments. It’s about you, and not about the world. Even when you are doing the right thing, it is for the wrong reasons. All the more reason for me to stop trying to figure out what my calling is and get working on it – I’m still helping myself right now.

My mind isn’t clear enough to be genuine, as much as I want to be. And sure, maybe what I currently think it is will be it, but everything is too cloudy for me to be sure and to see how. It’s not my responsibility to fix everyone. It’s not my responsibility to show everyone their wounds and help them heal them, at least not right now. It is, however, my responsibility to fix myself and love myself, so that one day I can be fully prepared to devote myself to something that WILL help others. At that point, no one will be able to intimidate me or talk me out of it. No one. I’ll be at peace with myself, and confident, and will have no more fears or judgments that they can exploit. I know I have tons of them right now, but that’s okay. I’m getting there. It just takes time.

I have to gain the confidence in myself and my decisions such that name-calling and "logical" explanations don’t cloud the truth within me. Any clever person can create a logical explanation for or against something. If my life path strays away from everything I’ve ever been taught, I have to have the confidence to stand by it instead of shrinking to the insults and fake pity I may get from others. That’s always a huge thing for me. I hate that. I can’t handle that. So I follow what I have to do to avoid it. But that can’t be my driving force. The fear of being called stupid, spoiled and irresponsible cannot be the driving force for why I do what I do. I won’t let people, no matter how important they are to me, blackmail me into living a life that makes sense to them and makes them feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and leaves me empty, lifeless and purposeless. I’d be denying my own happiness, my own gifts and my calling. I’m not being of service to ANYONE if I am angry and miserable inside. I’m not being of service to anyone if I don’t use my absolute best talents, no matter how socially accepted they are.

And here’s the thing – not everyone has the same passions. Some people do dream of being scientists and making discoveries. If everyone followed their dreams, we wouldn’t become a world of hippies – we’d have the best of the best working on EVERYTHING. True passion for their work. And in this day and age, I think a lot more people need the emotional help that I can give. Everyone can see the damage of mental illness these days. Maybe I’ll be able to help with that. You definitely can’t say that’s being an irresponsible hippie – that’s literally saving lives.

I need to focus on trusting and loving myself right now. I need to make sure I am my biggest cheerleader, no matter what. I need to care for myself and take time away from stressful things when I need it, and then get back up on my feet when I need to. I need to stop feeling negative things about myself. I need to stop identifying with whatever situation is in front of me. I need to give myself the freedom to exist beyond whatever is happening right now, and beyond whatever the important people in my life think is the “right” way to be.

It’s time.

Slow Down

I’ve been pretty on-edge and stressed-out lately, and I think part of the reason is that I’m trying to do too much as far as my spiritual journey. I’ve come such a long way that I just want to fix everything left in me and find my calling and just start doing it right away. Yeah, that’s not how it works. I need to slow down. I don’t have to have it all figured out right now. I shouldn’t be trying to rush myself and plot things out using the ego-based logical mind. I’m not there yet - I shouldn’t be forcing it into a box.

I guess you could say fear has been rearing its ugly head. I keep thinking, so what is my calling? What will I be doing? What can I be doing now to go towards that? I know my skills I’ve learned thus far should be preparing me for something, so what is it? How do I use those skills in my calling? Is my calling really counseling and artsy stuff? What about all my education? Am I throwing that all away? I was LUCKY enough to have those opportunities, and knowledge is how you make things happen, but am I being a hippie just wanting to spread love and light? What if everyone did that, then no one would do anything to keep the world running!

I have a lot of fears and questions right now. But that’s when I stopped and reminded myself that I’m not there yet. I don’t have to worry about all of that. I can’t jump ahead like that. I’m still figuring it all out and still fixing myself. That will come LATER. It’s just hard to wrap my mind around it. I literally don’t know if my career path is going to stay the way it is or go in a different direction. I’m sure right now I can’t even imagine what will end up happening with that, so there is no use in trying to pinpoint it. It’s just hard when others are trying to help and guide me, when I don’t even know if I’ll want to be around for it. I just don’t know. I guess just don’t burn any bridges and learn all you can, which is what I’ve been doing. Don’t say, “Oh I don’t care about that, that’s not the direction I want to go in,” because I DON’T KNOW at this point. I really feel like the skills you learn are for a reason, so I’m sure I will be much more down that path than I’d care to admit at the moment.

I just wish I knew what lies ahead…

I’m also trying to turbo-boost my spiritual lessons. But that’s not how it works. It takes time, and it is an endless journey. I’m focusing on the wrong things. I know I need to focus on loving myself and being happy, not on what lessons I’ve necessarily been learning. I’ll know when I learn them, I don’t need to be hunting for them so forcefully.

You just have to keep reminding yourself that it’s all about the journey, not the destination. Like a rollercoaster – the ride is fun because of all the ups and downs, twists and turns, not because of where you arrive when it stops. That’s the sad part! Maybe that’s it, though, maybe I’m trying to create a twist or a turn. But if you aren’t experiencing them, you probably aren’t ready to yet. Other twists are probably still sinking in.

Slow down and love yourself. That’s what I need to keep telling myself throughout the day.

Reach Out for What You Need

Deep, old wounds heal slowly. I had a situation that brought me back to one of my most painful wounds – feeling that what’s important to me had been blown off and dismissed by someone important to me. I was crushed. That feeling that I don’t matter and what I want is stupid flooded my heart. It’s funny how the smallest thing can bust that door wide open. My ego and my pride fought back, desperately trying to defend against an enemy that was really within ME.

And then I looked around. No one. No one knows and no one cares about what I just went through, and the pain I was feeling. I needed someone to care, and there was no one, as always.

As a self-aware person, I knew I had to take a deeper look at that fact. There are people I know that I could contact. In my mind, I’ve decided they don’t care, or they’ll make it worse, or they’ll see me as weak. But maybe they won’t. I’d decided everyone has failed me when I haven’t even given them a chance. By refusing to reach out for support, I’m just manifesting my own fear – that I am alone and have no one to be there for me. I can’t let fear of rejection, fear of pain or fear of a bruised ego keep me from seeking out what I need in a moment like that.

So I reached out. I asked couple people for support. It was wonderful. Just knowing people were listening and caring helped me feel tremendously better. I also stepped away from relying on a friend who really isn’t compatible with me on this matter. Now that I reached out to others, I didn’t feel the need to get mad at that person for failing me. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket, right?

This was a big lesson for me. I put aside my pride and went out and asked for what I needed from a place of vulnerability, and I was given what I needed. I didn’t reach out for pity or for attention. I reached out for support. And I felt the overwhelming compassion and love, and I felt better. What a miraculous concept!

Are you asking for what you want?

Am I Being Too Nice?

I’m starting to make yet another discovery, and it is making me feel a little uncomfortable.

I’m too nice.

(Sometimes.)

If I know someone well, and I have enough evidence, data, opinions, whatever to say something, then I will most certainly speak my mind. Many people know me as being extremely opinionated. But if I don’t know you well, or I don’t particularly care one way or another on the topic, I’ll just focus on being nice and supportive. And then I’m sure there’s everything else in between.

Seems normal enough, right?

But I’ve noticed the niceness come out “inappropriately” sometimes, and I can tell when I’m being nice just to avoid confrontation, or I assume I’m wrong, or I know they are wrong but I don’t want to hurt their feelings. These are cases where I am being too nice.

So what am I supposed to do, be mean? That thought is making me uncomfortable.

I know it wouldn’t really be being “mean”, but I know in some cases it would potentially hurt people’s feelings or make them defensive. That’s what I’ve been trying to avoid… but I’m starting to see how that is keeping me from feeling connected with others, since I’m not showing them my true thoughts and opinions sometimes.

It just feels backwards, because everything I’ve learned growing up and of course now through things like The Daily Love is that all that matters is kindness. Maybe yet again I’m a little unbalanced? I’m too far in that corner, and while yes, that is important, I’m giving it a little too much importance sometimes?

So I guess, when I can remember, I’ll be testing it out. I feel like I tried it the other day with the group of people I know who are all into Star Wars and Star Trek and all of that – some reference was made and I didn’t know what it was from, and they had a “DUH!” response, and jokingly I’m just like “Lol nerd ;)” which was… not mean, because they always make me feel like I’m the lame one who doesn’t know that stuff because they all do, and they want me to get into it, and I just… don’t care. So it was just taking my power back a little….. right??? It wasn’t mean, was it… Where’s the line??

There are a couple people I know who are great at this… and some who go the other extreme… I don’t know, maybe I’ll be able to figure something out. Like there are plenty of times I would give someone a weird look, but I don’t, because that’s rude and mean, whereas some people I know follow-through and question the other person in addition to their look, and then it gets resolved and it’s fine. Whereas I’d probably just be like “Oh… okay” and smile it off with a slight confused look instead of looking at them sideways like “Why on earth would you do that?”

Again, that’s only for people I’m not close with. But guess what!? That’s how people get to know you… and there are definitely a couple groups I still do it with even though I “know” them. I’m worried too much about their feelings and what they’ll think of me, I guess. More so, I feel like everyone is as fragile as I am. I don’t like it when people pull that crap on me because it makes me feel bad, so I assume the same goes for everyone else, so I avoid it. I get my point across without being all judgy, even if deep down, to myself, I am being judgy.

So yeah, this ought to be interesting. I wonder if I’ll swing the other way a little too much and be too mean while I find my balance… which I would feel HORRIBLE about, but now I see that I’m letting “being nice” mask my true self, and that’s not okay. I don’t know what I’m going to do… It’s always a case by case basis, of course, so it’s all about whatever comes up.

I’m also going to stop “liking” music that I can just tolerate. For example, I’m not a huge fan of The Beatles. There, I said it. They are fine, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to listen to it.

FREEDOM!

Another issue that annoys me is when people talk about dieting and weight loss and everything. I’ve developed a healthy relationship with that whole concept. I know my issues are more mental/emotional and physical activity related, and have nothing to do with what food I’m eating or how much – I actually need to eat MORE than I feel inclined to eat, because otherwise I’d go whole days without eating. Everyone else has the opposite issues from me, which is fine, but I don’t feel like discussing it, because everyone tries to project their own problems onto everyone else. The media was blasting me with “You have to eat less! And eat this!” so much that it was driving me mad because I was doing everything right – barely eating, eating well, exercising… but barely eating isn’t healthy. And I do eat well. And I shouldn’t STRESS myself over the exercise, it needs to be enjoyable, because my body was freaking out due to the stress, and my body was sabotaging my efforts. And the goal (at least for me) should NEVER be to “lose weight”, it should be to BE HEALTHY. And so it is. But everyone else is obsessed with weight and diets and ridiculously unsustainable workouts, and when I find myself in one of those conversations, it makes me uncomfortable. I know where I stand, and I know it isn’t helpful to the conversation, so I feel like I should just let their conversation play out and stay out of it. But that feels weird, too. Just silently standing there, especially when they are in better shape than I am. It makes it seem like I’m offended. I don’t know. It’s just weird. I guess I feel like they are judging me as they have the conversation. I just want to stay out of it.

Socializing… it always gets me. Still work to be done on that front. I’ll figure it out eventually, I guess…