A Lesson In My "No One 'Gets' Me!" Issue

Today I had a double lesson. I feel like I learned a lesson, and then was immediately hit with a similar situation to see if I could apply it.

I heard an interview with a comedian where he discussed such insightful and profound truths in a somewhat light-hearted way, and I just HAD to share it with one of my friends. I thought it was amazing and showed how I viewed people in that aspect and would help him see his actions and reactions for what they were and would help him grow and have a moment of enlightenment.

He did not have the reaction I expected.

He was laughing at parts I didn't think he should be laughing at, and when he was trying to express that he did get the message, it was all wrong. It was all surface-stuff. Too literal. He didn't see how it applied to MORE than the EXAMPLE. It translates into a whole MENTALITY and PERSPECTIVE.

It started really upsetting me, and I, of course, began explaining what he SHOULD have gotten out of that video.

As a self-aware person, the more upset I got, the more confused I got. Why was it upsetting me so much? I know him being "wrong" isn't what was upsetting me, so why was it getting to me? Did I want to be appreciated for helping him? Was it a control thing? What was my problem?

So I got some space and thought about it. None of the things I just mentioned felt right, so I kept diving deeper into these feelings, and I realized what it was.

It upsets me so much because it reminds me how alone I am when people won't get on my level, mentally.

I'm really just saying, "Join me! Hear me! Understand me! I'm not alone, you're with me, right? You see what I see, right?" and it's like he is saying "No."

But he's not. That's ridiculous. It clearly isn't about me. But that's how I'm taking it - as a reminder how alone and misunderstood I am. I want people to join me on this journey, to understand things I've known forever and to understand all the pains that have caused the issues I have. To "get" me. I don't want to be alone. That's the underlying issue there.

So then later a few of us started talking about hobbies. One friend's hobbies are all expensive projects, and I keep telling him to look for other things to enjoy. He was complaining about not having the money to do things he enjoyed. I jumped in and tried to convey the message that the mentality of "I need money to do things I enjoy and to be happy" is the problem. They both said together, "But you DO need money." Annoyed, I said, "Yes, I understand that, but living in that perspective is blocking you from getting out of that mindset and finding things you enjoy." They acted like I was crazy.

They just are not hearing what I'm saying. They are living in the "lack" and "excuse" mentality and defending it against my words. Like I told them, I'm not arguing that that's not true, I'm just saying don't let it stop you from finding activities to enjoy and being happy - make it work. It's that MINDSET that is keeping you from finding things to enjoy. It's a limiting belief! It’s a blocker! An excuse! Hear me!!! Understand me!! What I’m saying is true, how are you not comprehending it!! How am I not communicating it effectively enough??

As someone who has read all these books and reads The Daily Love, this is just a no-brainer. But to them it was ridiculous.

I took it a step further in my head. I imagined them judging me like I don't know the value of money or something. People have done that before. THEY’VE done that before. Attacking me and discrediting me doesn't make what I'm saying any less true...... It's the exact same thing that we all do in every area of our lives.

"I can't take part in activities I enjoy because I have no money."

Same for me, except mine is:

"I can't take part in activities I enjoy because I'm not skinny yet."

Same concept, same perspective, same kind of limiting beliefs.

Either they refuse to hear me, or I'm projecting my own issues that I'm currently conquering onto them. Or both. Or, to be fair, neither. Regardless, I started getting upset about it, but then I remembered the situation earlier when I realized I was only upset because it reminded me how alone I was. Then it started to not bother me as much, and faded away.

The truth will set you free!

It exposes another issue of mine, though. I hate it when I feel people think I said something stupid or ignorant, when I know I didn't. That's a huge issue for me. Like when they said, "....But you DO need money." It's like, yeah, duh, you need money to survive in this society. I get that. I'm not arguing it. But don't use it as an excuse. Stop using it as an excuse to not live your life. Stop using it as an excuse why you can't do the things you love. You don't have the time, the money, the looks... they are all excuses. If it matters to you, you will find a way. You just want to be miserable, so you are. I know that's what I've been doing, and I know that's what some of them are doing, too. They just can see it deep enough. They are just looking at it on the surface.

But it's not my problem. I shouldn't get so worked up about it. It's not my job to fix them, and it's not their job to meet me at my level just so I can be happy about it and not feel alone. They are doing perfectly fine on their journey at their own pace. Don't take it so personally that they don't see what you are saying. It's not a reason to get defensive or upset. I just feel like I have to defend what I said to change their idea that I said something ignorant… because I’m terrified of being seen as ignorant, because I’m not… I probably have that fear because of how I was raised….

Sigh. We all have these moments, when we start getting upset and there is no logical reason why it should be upsetting us that much. The important thing is that we are aware and exercise as much patience and compassion as possible, not only to those who are upsetting us, but to ourselves, as well.

Conquering My Main Issue: Don’t Let Others Ruin Your Perception

I just had a very therapeutic stream of consciousness writing session, and I want to point out some of the progress I just made.

Yet again, in case someone is new to the blog, I’ll summarize my one big anger topic: Sex. Porn is wrong; objectifying women is wrong; sex and nudity in the media is disgusting... which is all true, but it affects me a little too much. It’s perfectly fine to be against it – it isn’t healthy, however, for the sight or mention of it to make me start sobbing or start screaming and breaking things.

The point people ignorantly first make is that I must be insecure. That’s incorrect. Old insecurities paired with the REAL reasons, however, do build out a full case for why I feel this way. It is an extremely complex and robust issue for me. It’s going to take a long time to uncover all the issues that support it and tackle them one by one.

I get nervous when I write on this topic, because it is extremely personal.

Here’s what I’ve determined. I’ve felt this way since the beginning of high school. I think these feelings started off as judgments I learned from my parents paired with, yes, my own insecurities. That’s how it STARTED. But it transformed into a completely untouchable fact for me as more life experiences added layer after layer to this issue. So as I began resolving those insecurities, the issue had already taken on a life of its own with more and more support from life. I need to start peeling away each layer and resolving it to get back to a healthy stance on the issue.

And that’s exactly what I’ve been doing.

The other day a co-worker pointed out that I got checked out. Even now, when I am several pounds overweight. I’ve realized that I might actually be keeping weight on so that I will not be objectified by men, because it makes me nervous and uncomfortable. I don’t like being hit on or looked at. I want to look “nice” and feel good about my style and my body, but when guys cross the line into objectification… I don’t feel like a human being anymore. I feel like an object, and I hate that, and I hate them for thinking of me as a piece of meat. I hate them for seeing me as something they can use for their own satisfaction instead of respecting me as a human being. And I guess I’ve determined that those concepts are mutually exclusive – you can’t have both, it’s one or the other. There’s one problem.

That puts me in quite a pickle, doesn’t it? How is a guy supposed to like me if he isn’t attracted to me? “Easy,” my ego shoots back. “I want a guy who isn’t attracted to, well, anyone… and he gets to know me and falls in love with WHO I AM. So it won’t happen ‘at first sight’, it happens after he gets to know who I am and what I’m all about. And clearly he would feel the same way – he doesn’t want someone to just be interested in him for his looks or what he can provide, but for who he IS and the MORALS and VALUES he lives by.” Yep, and that’s how I think. Logical enough.

But the “who I am” thing is easily residual from the insecurity. You may suggest that all-of-the-above are required for someone to like you.

Here’s the thing, though. I need to accept that sex and arousal are not inherently bad. That is difficult for me to accept. But sex itself is not respectful or disrespectful; selfish or loving. It is neutral. Sex can be out of love, or it can be out of selfish hedonism. That meaning is on the people involved. I used to know that. I used to completely know that. Just because I’ve now witnessed people take on the darker, colder side of the matter doesn’t mean it has to ruin the whole concept for me. Somehow it turned into “it has to be one or the other” when that was never the case. I let the perversions of others taint how I saw sexual relationships, because they made it wrong and dirty, and people talk about it and show it EVERYWHERE, so somehow my mind declared that it is/was always dirty and perverse, which made me no longer want anything to do with it. It killed the love and joy I once associated with it. And if you want nothing to do with something, it is easy to declare it as bad and refuse to understand anything.

So that’s the immediate problem I need to work through at the moment. I vilified those feelings, because I removed love from the picture – because THEY do. “They” meaning guys I know, movies, tv, the media… everyone everywhere, as far as I can tell. But it doesn’t HAVE to be evil. It can be from love. I have to REMEMBER that. I once knew that. There was just SO much evidence that no one else felt the same way that I got depressed about it. But that’s not how it works…. There are millions of people, and their own motives and opinions can’t be known, and those that are known do not get to declare their meanings as “fact” for something that has no connotation. Sex has no connotation! It is neither good nor bad! It just IS! Just because people act on it in bad and immoral ways does not MAKE it bad. That’s where I went wrong. I let them make it bad. I let them change my whole view just based on how tv and movies and jerks I’ve known portray it.

I made some other minor realizations, too, but this is obviously the outermost layer of the issue. So that is some progress, and a concept I can be working on: to remember how it felt for it to be about love. Remember how I once felt, and stop trying to jump into the minds of all the sick perverts everywhere and declaring that that’s the reality of the matter. There is no singular reality about it – it is an individual and case-by-case basis concept. I don’t need to hate everyone that thinks I’m attractive. I don’t need to be afraid of looking good or being sexy. I don’t need to be AFRAID of being objectified. I don’t need to hate sex so much.

That’s where I’m at for now.

I Told You So

As you know, I’m of the Myers-Briggs personality type INFJ, aka “The Counselor”. I love helping people with their problems, allowing them to see the situation and their own behavior more clearly, and giving them words of wisdom for the steps ahead. That really is my purpose.

However, when someone comes to me for advice on the same thing time and time again, and I give them the same advice, and they express that they know it is true, and yet they continue to do the opposite… and then they come back yet again for more advice from me… it drives me nuts!

I can’t even tell you how many people this has happened with. Huge pet peev of mine.

But I tried to look at this from a place of love today, and based on this spiritual journey I am on now, I think I can make peace with it and not be so frustrated. The reason why they keep doing the wrong thing is because they haven’t learned the lesson yet. Everyone is on their own journey, and I can relate to knowing something logically but just not yet fully absorbing the lesson in your soul. The WHOLE experience, front to back, will teach them the lesson. Getting halfway through it and then having me tell them what the lesson is will not truly teach it to them.

As I think about this, I actually have another thought. I was raised to analyze and plan and not make mistakes that are easily foreseen. I wasn’t really raised to learn by doing, which honestly I think would have been more beneficial sometimes (but who knows) – I was raised to learn by… advice and instruction, I guess. I’m trying to break out of that and trust myself to learn by doing, but that’s exactly my point here – maybe these people learn by doing and are NOT AFRAID of FAILING the way I am in these scenarios. Sure, they are afraid of failing and getting their hearts broken, but maybe not as much as I am… I won’t risk “stupid” decisions if I KNOW what it will lead to in the end. But isn’t that one of the lessons I’ve been learning? Not to try to predict the future? Not to have limiting beliefs? Not to confine myself to certain actions just because they are safe and free of betrayal, pain and rejection?

Granted, I have gone against that logic before, and that gave me an experience that jump started this entire journey for me!

So, yeah, how can I be frustrated with them? They would just rather try and suffer that pain than suffer the pain of wondering what could have been… and isn’t that really the whole point of life…? So sure, the advice I give them always turns out to be true, but going THROUGH that is way more important than just believing a wise friend, giving up and moving on.

Finding Growth Opportunities in Trigger Situations

I had another growth opportunity. There are people I know that are great people, but just very different from me. Not only are their hobbies and beliefs very far from mine, but they embody a lot of my triggers. For a while, interacting with them was the only interaction I had, and I started to feel very isolated, misunderstood and alone. Their judgments and knowledge were mostly the same (from my perspective), so I almost felt like I should know about everything they were talking about, even though I didn’t care for it. Logically I knew that wasn’t true - it wasn’t a conscious thought - but I can tell that I was still affected in that way. They tried to get me involved in their activities, but I continued to insist that it did not interest me, which they deemed as anti-social. My own opinions, hobbies and beliefs felt to be dismissed, ignored or even laughed at. I understand it was nothing personal, they were just expressing their own opinions, but I’m a sensitive person… or at least I was… so living in that reality really didn’t serve me very well.

I like the people. Aside from them rubbing me the wrong way sometimes, I do enjoy their company. But we really have limited, if any, things in common, and it is truly apparent in our interactions and how we all treat each other. I struggled with this for a long time – I still do struggle with it. Which relationships do you pursue and maintain, and which do you let go of? Is it something I could continue to work on, or are some of these relationships truly not serving me and bringing me down?

I’m not giving up on it, though. Not now. I think this is still an opportunity for me to figure out how to have casual social interactions. One thing I realized tonight is: How can I complain about people not talking about anything I care about, when I have nothing to replace it with? I’ve worked on myself plenty, and now I’m starting to try to “have a life”. I have to continue to pursue all my interests and find things to learn about such that I can then turn around and talk about them. That is, when I’m not with people who would like to talk about themselves…. which are the kinds of people I was built to communicate with. I’m an INFJ, I’m here to listen to people’s problems and help them be the best they can be… not chat about the new iPhone or PlayStation, or complain about politics! But that’s not fair, because I need hobbies and interests to talk about. And if I search and explore and can’t find anything like that, then yeah, I need to avoid those types of social interactions.

Here’s another vulnerable and yet teachable moment: I’ve been working on not being afraid of jumping into something without being completely prepared, right?  Because I always plan and prepare, and I’m trying to learn that I can trust myself to figure things out as I go along. So I decided to play this board game with this group of people. None of us have ever played it before. I sat there reading the long instructions before we began. Everyone else’s attention span was very minimal, so I decided I’d give them a short description, and I’d refer to the instructions as we went along - trying to work on my fears and trust myself that we could figure it out. It’s just a game, afterall.

Well, my fears got worked alright. To start off with, when I went into the next room to get everyone, no one even looked at me. I was yelling very loud, waving around the instructions. I yelled louder and louder. Nothing. Finally someone saw me and just sorta gave me a thumbs up, and I yelled if they wanted to play, and at that point a couple people snapped into focus. I’d forgotten how that happens with this group of people… that used to be my reality. I’d already worked on having confidence and speaking more assertively, so now I know it isn’t me. So it didn’t start off well.

When we started the game, everyone got frustrated with me, and the kept second-guessing me. I ended up just reading most of the instructions to them and correcting some things, but of course, as I said, their attention span was minimal, so they all just talked over me and chatted with each other as I did it. But one of them absorbed the information and helped out. Yeah, that was a test, alright. I started to feel how I normally do – mad, disrespected and upset. Like I didn’t want to be there. But right then I changed my attitude – this is an opportunity to learn something new. Forget about them - this is just a challenge, and I should ignore their frustration and disrespect and not let it affect me. This is definitely a game that stretches your mind. It would be good to work on things like this. Once the others knew the rules, they picked up on it much faster than I did (because they play other games like this, and I don’t). Things didn’t make sense to me because they were worded strange, but they somehow knew what it meant. I decided to use it as a learning opportunity instead of focusing on how defeated and alone I felt about the situation. There was still an undertone of misery at first, but it went away. You really can just talk yourself out of being upset sometimes…

More proof that I take every experience as a growth opportunity and to practice the lessons I have learned. It’s just a matter of how much you want to put yourself through at any given time.

Create Your Own Experiences

More and more I see the power we have within ourselves to affect our experiences. I feel like I’ve become pretty good at controlling my emotions and therefore my perceptions of what I experience. When I start to feel an unpleasant feeling, even physical pain, I’m able to influence how far that feeling goes, and just let it pass, instead.

The other day I shut my finger in a closet door. It’s one of those folding doors, and as it closed it pinched my finger. I felt the pain coming, and then just let it leave. Now that I have that experience to compare it with, I think normally I let myself get angry and my ego gets bruised when things like that happen, so it ends up feeling more “painful” when really it was my emotions and my ego making it worse than it was. That was an interesting feeling, and quite empowering.

I used to be afraid of a lot of situations. Not afraid as in “a bear is coming to get me and I’m afraid for my life”, but afraid as in, self-conscious, unsure that I can handle it, not knowing ahead of time what to expect and just being… worried, and assuming I’ll screw it up. I understand why I grew to be that way… but lately I’ve been growing my self-confidence in order to remain calm and know that I can deal with it. I don’t get embarrassed or self-conscious. I have the mentality of, “Whatever, I’ll figure it out.” I’m not perfect in ALL areas… but in a lot of areas, I almost feel “cured”. By feeling confident, I’m able to really BE confident and capable in those situations, because instead of using the energy to second-guess myself, I’m using it to solve the problem.

I’ve also noticed that I’m less self-conscious in general. I used to be wrapped up so much in being inside the minds of others. I thought for sure I was able to know what they were thinking. And sure, as an INFJ that’s good at reading people, perhaps I was. But what does it matter? I finally have been able to believe that I need to stop projecting judgments onto others, claiming that they are thinking it. It is really just me. And I was never too concerned with what people think except for certain things: If I’m by myself, if I don’t know what I’m doing, and if I look like crap.

Ever since high school, I’ve been self-conscious about looking awkward being by myself. I don’t want people to think I’m weird or pathetic (because I already think thought it). I just want to hide away and have some privacy, or I want something to look at so I don’t look like I am brooding or something. I’m getting a little better about it. Just not going there in my mind, and instead finding something around me to entertain me. Some situations are better than others for that, but I’m doing really well with it.

I always get mad at people when I realize they don’t know what they are doing. Blame it on how I grew up, I guess, but it gets me really agitated. I try so hard to not be that way myself. Plan ahead, do your homework, and come prepared. Don’t just fly by the seat of your pants and be completely ignorant to what you are trying to achieve and how to do it. So of course, I project those judgments onto others, and I have a fear that I can’t do something because I haven’t done the same – and so I won’t do it. I’ve gotten a little better at this. Mainly because I’m able to trust myself. I’m very smart – I can analyze the situation and figure out what to do. It’s just that I was raised to plan thoroughly before embarking on something, and my parents would always give me step by step instructions and tips, and I’d always do SOMETHING wrong that they’d correct. But I have to shake that off, and I’ve done a good job of that. I’m using the phrase “Be prepared” inappropriately – I’m using it as an excuse to not live my life, because I’m scared. That just will not do anymore, and I’m taking the necessary steps to fix it.

Then, of course, there is how I look. So many layers to that one – but let me stick to just a couple. Confidence is everything. Looking good, I now realize, is less about what you naturally actually look like, and more about how you take care of yourself. Be nice to yourself. Don’t punish yourself. Love yourself as you are. Don’t get mad at yourself for not fitting into a certain pair of jeans – and don’t try to squeeze into them and then be mad at yourself all day for being fat. Find clothes that FIT and that FLATTER your shape, whatever it is. It took me a long time to realize that I can look great by wearing clothes that work with my body, instead of trying to wear things everyone else looks good in and looking bad in it. Furthermore, though, it doesn’t even matter about what you wear, either. It’s the confidence. The joy. It radiates from you and makes you beautiful. Again, I have to get out of the heads of others and just exist in my own perception – which is strong and confident. When you feel confident, and see obstacles as a fun challenge, everything else pans out. You no longer live in fear and shame. I’m doing quite better in that, as well.

I find that I use so many tricks like this throughout the day, and am so comfortable with them, that I forget to write about them here. This is huge progress that I need to make sure I document so I can track it. I’m by no means perfect at it, but there has been so much success that I need to celebrate it!

It’s all about balance. Even if a concept you stand behind is good, pure and correct, don’t forget the balance. Anything in excess turns unhealthy. So just be careful. When people, or your parents, or your friends, or whoever give you advice that you know is correct, just know that there is still a balance between whatever it is and the opposite of it. I say that because I have had issues with it. Sure, you need to plan before you go do something. That is a very good thing to do. But don’t be so adamant about it that you are SCARED to do ANYTHING if you haven’t planned it out first. Sure, you need to do a million chores and take care of a million responsibilities each week. But don’t let that guilt you out of having a life and finding joy. You see? There is always a balance. I’ve taken it too far, in many ways, including those. I guess you could say I lived a repressed life, self-inflicted. And I feel so ashamed to allow myself joy, leisure, risk and adventure when there is so much to be done. So many obligations. But guess what? IT WILL BE OKAY! The world will not end!!!! I’m finally starting to step out of that life-style. Tip-toe by tip-toe. And it feels amazing. It feels like I am actually ALIVE. I feel like I have so much CONTROL and POSSIBILITY in my life, when really, before, life had control over me.

Take the control back. Create the life of your dreams!