Initial Progress on my Biggest Issue

In case you’re new to this blog, this particular post needs a slight back story. The one thing that gets me the most upset and angry in the entire world is porn and sex & nudity in tv and movies. Nothing upsets me more. Nothing. I see red and I’m just not even responsible for my reactions to anything anymore. I get a physical reaction of anger, sadness, my chest hurts, I slump over and feel violated, my heart races, my eyes well-up, I can’t watch, and it just physically tortures the crap out of me. Aside from the emotional and physical reactions, I am completely and totally morally against that crap. Nudity is not appropriate to be displayed everywhere, and definitely not sex. For one, sex is a PRIVATE and intimate thing for a couple, not something you WATCH. Second, all this crap completely objectifies women. Third, it is desensitizing everyone to this stuff, and making men even more indulgent and wanting and expecting that kind of stuff instantly, because they can so easily get to it in the blink of an eye. There is no decency anymore…

This has caused many issues for me, not only in my own well-being, but clearly in relationships and even friendships. Don’t even bring this stuff up or I will completely lose it and tell you what a horrible disgusting hedonistic scumbag you are.

So now you know the back story, a little bit. I think I got my point across.

As I began my spiritual journey and read The Untethered Soul, the book explained why certain things can really upset you and how you can see it everywhere and freak out about it when it doesn’t seem to bother anyone else – in fact, no one else even notices. I never understood why no one else, even those who were against it, seemed to be as bothered as I was. Now I get it. I was letting it control my life. There is such a wonderful example in the book that I won’t even try to explain, but it gets the point across beautifully. The stuff hurts me, so I’ve decided to just reject it, but then I have to spend my whole life protecting myself from it, when really I should just be trying to figure out why it bothers me so much. There are VALID REASONS to be against it, because it truly is disgusting. But it affects me a little too much. So I started trying to tackle those issues, and I felt like I’d made a little progress but it hadn’t really been tested. I figure I need to get the rest of my life and my issues tackled fairly well before I start going for the BIG issue – and I felt like I’ve been doing a great job, so I figured it might be time.

Usually, when I plan to see a movie, I check the rating to make sure there will be no nudity or sex. Today I went to see a movie without checking the rating – on purpose. It’s like Russian roulette with my fears/emotions. I wanted to test out how my spiritual journey and realizations has affected my ability to stomach the content in movies. I realized I may have upped the stakes by going to the movie WITH someone, since that somewhat changes the dynamic – I should probably make sure I can handle that stuff by myself before I add the awkwardness of being around other people. But whatever, I realized that too late.

So what happened?

Well the movie had a full shot of, essentially, a bed full of naked women. One in particular that was the focal point of the shot, and she was seen in her entirety. And the shot lasted more than was comfortable (well, duh, the whole shot was uncomfortable, but hopefully you know what I mean?).

I guess I’ll try to dissect what went through my mind. I guess it went something like this:

Oh geez, here it is. Okay, it’s just a body… the only reason it bothers me is because of extra meaning I put on it. Okay, this shot is lasting too long, I feel awkward, diverting my eyes… okay the shot still isn’t going away… it’s okay, it’s just a body… Just a body. Not a big deal. Just let the image pass without getting blocked in my mind by all my painful emotions. It’s just an image, it isn’t going to hurt me or do anything. No one else notices it in this way, it’s just me because I give it extra meaning. It’s okay. This image doesn’t affect me or my life. Just let it pass.

Having read The Untethered Soul, I now know that others don’t see those images the same way I do, and the reason it bothers me is because I let it get blocked instead of letting the situation just pass through me like other things you see around you – maybe someone getting up from the movie to go to the bathroom. You just let that pass through you, and yet this image sticks and wreaks havoc on my mind. So when I saw the image, I hated it and it made me uncomfortable, BUT I did not have that upset physical reaction to it. Really, I almost felt that feeling START… but then, as it says in The Untethered Soul, when that moment happens, you can let it take over, or you can just fall behind it and let it pass. I let it pass!!!

I was lucky enough that nothing was HAPPENING in that scene, so this was a good test and progress indicator at a low level. I was happy to know that, emotionally, I was able to let it go and enjoy the rest of the movie – something I’ve NEVER been able to do before. Usually, from that point forward, I’m upset, angry, sad, heart racing, mad at whoever I’m with, mad at the people who made the movie, mad at the world for thinking crap like that is okay to display everywhere… but this time, I let it go. I didn’t let it ruin my mood. DO YOU KNOW HOW HUGE THAT IS!?!?

That just goes to show that people can change and you can work through your issues. That’s some PROOF right there. I’m not “fixed”, whatever that means, and I don’t even want to be, because I’m never going to be okay with that stuff. But I’m successfully making progress working through whatever issues pop up when I see that stuff. I’m making progress such that it isn’t affecting me as much as it once was. That is FANTASTIC. I don’t have to be AFRAID of it being in movies anymore. Okay, well let’s not get ahead of ourselves… there is worse than what I saw today…

It’ll be interesting to see what progress I make when it comes to this stuff and relationships…….. stay tuned to find out, I guess ;)

Are there any big issues that you have? Is it affecting you more than it should? Can you be brave and start trying to conquer those fears, even if you are RIGHT for being against something? Can you separate out what is YOU and what is a legitimate argument against it?

It's Time to Find Myself Again

So I’ve been feeling pretty empty, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. I know that I’m doing great on my spiritual journey, and yet I know I still feel unfulfilled and lifeless. I’m not as miserable as I have been over the last few years, but something still isn’t right. I’ve made little motivational posters for myself that show pictures of me from high school and college versus pictures of me since I’ve been in the working world, trying to help me get back to the person I once was, physically, mentally and emotionally (except plus all this wonderful enlightenment I’ve gained). A passer-by would notice that I’ve gained weight in the newer pictures, but that’s not all that I see. When I look at these pictures, I see how I was feeling at that time in my life, as well. A passer-by would notice that in the newer pictures, I am smiling, and in the old ones, I’m not. They might think I am happier now than I was then. Nope. I am more fulfilled in those pictures… more myself… more “real”. I reconnect with my inner essence from that time, and I know I am at least living my truth back then, and if I could add that to my current enlightenment, I would be great! Instead, I currently have the enlightenment but I am missing “my truth” that I had back then.

So I started trying to write out what I see when I look at these pictures.

When I look at the old pictures, I see: Sadness but depth of emotion. Self-expression. Creativity. Identity. True joy, fun, love and sorrow (based on which picture and experience). Authenticity. I hadn’t been wounded enough yet to push people away… so I still had a little vulnerability and ability to care and love. Silliness. Longing and yearning; Dreams. Hope.

In the recent pictures, I see: Defeat. Fake/surface happiness and smiles. Loneliness, despite being around people. No emotional connections with people. Dragging myself through each experience, trying to make the most of it and trying so hard to find joy and appreciation, but not really finding it. Disconnected. Not fully expressing myself. No creativity. No longing or yearning; no dreams. No hope. Just existing. No depth of life. No inner spark of light.

That’s what I see when I look at those pictures. And guess what, those emotions are probably reflected in my health. I know that. I learned that the hard way, that stress and misery wreak havoc on your body…

It helps to write out what I see. I felt it all, but you have to put words to it sometimes so you can see it, accept it, and know what you have to do next to deal with it. I know I’m already taking steps towards changing that reality. That is encouraging. I know I’m already starting to see my life start to turn around in certain ways. I know I now have the tools to deal with things I didn’t before – for example, my social skills. I still need to bridge the gap between “social” and “personal” conversations, because I get into one mode or the other, and I can’t go back and forth very well. But hey, I didn’t know how to be social at ALL really in the past – I had a FEAR of it, and that fear is no longer present. That is HUGE, and I need to celebrate that success. So now I’m completely game for meeting new people and chatting. I’m reconnecting with a couple old friends, and I’m working through my issues (it stresses me out!) with planning social events. I’m well on my way.

I think what my heart and soul are telling me now is that it is time to figure out why and how I’m not being authentic. It’s time to reconnect with myself again. Reconnect with the creativity and individuality that I loved about myself. Dance and things have helped, but those are only a small portion of my time. I know that doing nothing but work for years doesn’t help, and trying to be [too] professional has leaked into my off-duty identity and dampened my creativity and individuality. So I’ll be thinking about that and trying to access that place in my heart where the real me lives. I’ll try to let it see the light of day. I’ll ask it what it needs to heal and show itself again.

Are your best years behind you?

I’m guessing I’m not the only one who looks back on her life and happens upon the thought that maybe the best of life is behind me. This far in my journey, I logically know this isn’t true – you create your own life and you have opportunities every single day to achieve the life you desire. But in those lonely hours late at night, looking over old pictures from years past, you think about how much you had, how much you didn’t even realize it, and wonder if you can ever feel that way again.

I’m at a point now, luckily, where I can acknowledge those feelings, feel them, but not believe them. Especially now – I’m making so much progress right now. I may not have the life I completely desire yet, but I can see all around me evidence of the changes occurring. Not because of “fate” or anything, but because of ME. I started believing in myself and I started making changes, and slowly I’m beginning to reap the benefits of those changes. I’m starting to catch up with old friends, putting myself in a position to go out and do things with people, and I’m trying to cut back on my pessimism and excuses.

If I’m out with people, and I start to feel old feelings of not feeling like I “click” with them or feel left out, I remind myself that this is just me perceiving things and taking them personally. Feeling victimized and shutting down isn’t going to fix the problem, it’s going to manifest the problem even more – find a way to jump back into the conversation, and more importantly, find a way to enjoy yourself. That energy makes all the difference. Look for GOOD things instead of bad. I’m working really hard at that.

It’s almost funny. I’m able to admit now just how emotionally fragile I am. It’s just that, in the past, my coping mechanism has been to shut people out and judge them. Make it their fault. That way I don’t have to feel bad or deal with it. But now I’m able to acknowledge these feelings, realize it isn’t reality, and look for what I can do to resolve the situation and change the energy. If you ask me, THAT is some emotional strength right there…

You always have to celebrate your little victories. Remember how far you’ve come, and not how far you have to go. Remember that you are ON YOUR WAY to the lie of your dreams, instead of looking back at old pictures wondering if your best times and relationships are behind you. One day I hope to look back on those pictures and smile with joy, instead of looking at them with despair and envy. But I KNOW I am on the right track – I am well on my way to having a full and happy life with lots of love.

Making Peace with an Old Relationship

As my journey has continued on, I’ve started to realize that I often take things too personally. I decide that someone has wronged me, disrespected me and wounded my pride, and I can’t figure out why – they clearly must be an evil person, or don’t think I deserve respect. I’m a very prideful person, so this generally turns into me attacking back to defend my pride and integrity. As you can imagine, the other person doesn’t enjoy being attacked, and so the cycle continues.

There are a few examples in particular where I’ve finally started to see that it really was never about me. They weren’t doing anything “to” me. Sure, there were some legitimate mistakes they made, but most of them were merely differences in perception and not knowing all the facts, and yet I decided it was an attack on me and reacted accordingly.

Those situations really messed me up to the point where I became extremely guarded and unwilling to trust (and therefore truly “love”), because I felt people had viciously neglected me in the past, and I wasn’t about to let people make me feel so disrespected and rejected ever again. It is so therapeutic and freeing to start to realize that none of that actually HAPPENED. I don’t have to be so fearful of people treating me so poorly, because that wasn’t a correct description of what happened.

Let me give you an example. I had an old boyfriend that I felt treated me horribly, despite the fact that I KNEW he thought a lot of me. He slept through ALL the plans we made – stood me up. He was never there for me when I needed him, emotionally. In fact, some of the time he made a point to NOT be there for me. Other times he just disappeared and wouldn’t respond to me. That’s how I perceived the relationship.

Now, as a reader, please don’t project your own stories onto this one – I promise you, it does not fit. Don’t make any assumptions, because I’m not going to explain the entire relationship. Just hear me out on what I’ve realized.

At this point in my journey I’ve been able to try to look back and see things from his side. I’ve also been able to catch up with him a little. Turns out, his work/school schedule was crazy back then, and he just was the type of person to never complain about it. But his sleeping schedule was all screwed up, so yeah, he slept through all our plans. Not because I didn’t matter, not to disrespect me, and not because he forgot – but because he was working so hard and was exhausted. He never communicated that to me at the time, so I took it personally, especially when added to everything else.

I’m the type of person that likes to appear strong, so I try not to cry in front of people. I do sometimes, but as a prideful person, instead of crying and expressing that I am in pain, I yell. I get angry. I tell them exactly why they are a horrible person. I explain it very eloquently and logically. When you express your feelings in anger, people only respond to it as an attack – they usually don’t see that behind that anger is pain and heartache. I was trying to express that I wasn’t so easily broken, and that I can stand up for myself, but I really wasn’t getting the point across to this guy that he was hurting me by not being there for me, sleeping through our plans, etc.

Another thing is that this guy had trust issues, too. So I think a lot of our relationship was a big power play. So the times when I got up the courage to actually tell him that I needed him because I was upset, he thought it was me trying to control him. I was genuinely sad and wanted him to comfort me, and as a prideful person, that was hard as crap for me to do – and then he rejects me and blows me off. Every time. That really screws with a girl’s head. That’s seriously how you make a girl turn psycho. If any guys are reading this, by all means, DON’T DO THAT. That’s the absolute worst thing you could ever do – have your girlfriend come to you upset and just turn her away. So I take it personally, and I get angry. The “you don’t mess with me” attitude comes out. But here’s the thing: I can understand his side now. It wasn’t right, but it makes sense, at least. He thought I was trying to control him. He thought it was a power play. And I had issues expressing myself in those situations, anyway. It’s a really sad situation, and we obviously weren’t very compatible in those areas, but he wasn’t just doing it to be an evil human being. He was trying to protect himself and his own pride. He apparently thought I was being evil and manipulative, which means he probably has some stuff that’s happened to him that made him feel that way about girls. We were both very prideful, stubborn people with trust issues. And we just happened to step all over each other’s wounds.

The next thing I realized is that he is the type of person that doesn’t respond to a message unless a question has been asked. You don’t know how many times I sent him something expecting a response, his opinion, or even just acknowledgement… and I figured he was ignoring me. Avoiding me. All the time. Every time. And now, years later, I finally get it – he is the type of person that doesn’t see a need or a reason to respond unless a direct question has been asked. He doesn’t chit chat like that via messages. That’s not how I or others I know operate, but it makes sense. Again, I took things too personally. He wasn’t purposefully trying to ignore me and disrespect me, as I’d assumed for years… it was just a personality trait.

You don’t even know how HEALING it is to start to answer all these questions that made me so untrusting and paranoid. You don’t even know how much that relationship hurt me. I created so many coping mechanisms to keep my pride and self-respect – all of them pushing people further away from me. I made it so no one could hurt me like that. So to be able to understand where all that came from, and to realize that the reasons for it really never even happened – it’s incredible. I can start working to repair the damage. I can start to believe that people aren’t always so sick, selfish and cruel. I know what part I played in the situation, and I know the reasons behind his behavior.

What’s funny is that this relationship drove me nuts because I never understood WHY he was treating me so badly, especially when I KNEW deep down how he felt about me. I kept confronting him about it, and I felt like he kept avoiding the topic. But he probably just had NO idea what I was talking about, because I thought he was doing things on purpose, and he wasn’t. So truly, there was nothing to admit to. So I guess, ironically enough, I couldn’t get my answers because I wasn’t in a place, emotionally/spiritually/mentally, where I was willing to understand it.

And there’s an important point. You won’t always get the answers. But there is one. Because people make sense. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it doesn’t make sense. There is a reason behind what they do. Whatever has happened to them in their lives has made them the way they are. It’s NOT an excuse – but it IS a reason. So just don’t take things personally. It doesn’t necessarily have ANYTHING to do with YOU, and even if it does, it probably STILL has nothing to do with you.

Can you relate? Do you have any relationships where you felt like someone wronged you and disrespected you? Can you see that perhaps there is a reason they behaved the way they did? Did any of your own perceptions and reactions influence the situation further? Can you forgive them, not only for them, but for YOU? Can you give yourself that peace and heal those wounds by knowing that whatever they did, they had a reason, and that you don’t have to go around with your guard way up, keeping everyone at a distance, unable to get close to anyone? Can you free yourself from those wounds?