Spread Love to Feel Love

Today is Valentine’s Day. For about 9 years straight I was a part of a couple during this day. Now for the past few years I’ve spent it alone. That first year was a little depressing, but the following years were actually amusing. I got to enjoy “Single’s Awareness Day”. I got to relax and sit back without planning anything with my sweetie. A few times, including this one, I’ve bought myself some stuff to make me feel special. As I’ve been learning, self-love is important. You need to make yourself feel special. So I bought myself a cute big-eyed stuffed turtle and some chocolate covered pretzels! As well as some chocolate to share around the office.

Coming to work today I did feel a twitch of sadness. That’s pretty normal. However, I remembered the strategy of making myself happy by making others happy. I knew that if I was pleasant to everyone else, and if I spread joy, that would make me feel fantastic.

And guess what the topic of some of The Daily Love posts were today!? That exact concept! Creepy!

On a daily basis, I try to give kindness. I hold the door open for people and keep the elevator door from closing. People get really surprised when I do that – they aren’t used to that sort of kindness. That’s pretty sad! I’m glad to brighten their day a tiny bit, though. I remember that commercial where one person does something gracious, and another person sees it – so then they do something gracious, and another person sees it- and so on. Everyone is going about their day, hoping to just get by, simply living by the ego. But it doesn’t take much to remind them that they, too, want to be kind. It is in this way that we can spread love throughout our town, country and world - and feel that love in return.

I’m definitely not a hippie or anything, but just be kind and generous to people. Don’t be in such a rush that you’re willing to ruin someone else’s day. Don’t be so selfish – it isn’t necessary, and it isn’t you. That car you’re honking at is trying to remember if they turned off their curling iron or if it is going to burn their house down. That car you cut-off has their newborn baby in the back. That car you won’t let in has been trying to merge for 5 minutes, and no one has shown them any kindness such that they can get to work on time.

Isn’t that you on some days?

Spread some kindness today. Remind people that a simple kind gesture is enough to change their entire perspective on the day.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Worry is a Dream Killer

I’ve been helping a friend with some concepts lately, and I feel like I’ve made a lot of good points that others would benefit from. I’m going to try to hit the highlights for you all.

No matter what, you will be okay. Maybe you want to try out for a dance team, or ask someone out, or put out your resume and see what hits you get, or join a club. Sometimes the fear of uncertainty and the fear of rejection can convince us out of doing something that would improve our life. Think about it, even if the worst happens – is it the end of the world? You will only be humiliated if you choose to be mad at yourself afterwards. Strive to attain your dreams! Strive to do what you want! The worst that can happen is it doesn’t work out. Then you just move on to the next dream, taking the lessons learned with you. If you don’t try, you’re guaranteeing that nothing great will happen to you. If you stay safe and hidden away in your comfort-zone, you will never know the extent of your brilliance. You will have all these “what ifs”.

A point I read about in one of my books (I think it was A Return to Love) was that the energy you bring to a situation affects the situation. I may have even talked about this before. The example was that of a nervous person entering a job interview. This person exuded fear and a lack of confidence. If you don’t think you are good enough, people can see that. If you don’t think you are good enough, why should they? They can feel what you are putting off, and they probably won’t want to hire you. If you pump yourself up beforehand and remind yourself why you want this job and the ways you are right for it (focus on the positive), you will exude confidence and eagerness, which the employer will love, and you are more likely to get the job.

The same goes for any situation in life.

So really, stressing out and worrying is literally holding you back and keeping you from your dreams. Don’t get me wrong – we all worry. We are human. Sometimes it can help us prepare for multiple outcomes. But if we are just worrying for the sake of being scared, that is holding us down and covering the light we could be shining into the world. It doesn’t help anyone – it makes you miserable and it keeps everyone else from being able to enjoy and take advantage of your talents.

What dreams are your fears holding you back from?

Tell Tale Signs of Impending Infidelity

I was reading in Committed and I found a section that struck me so hard like déjà vu that I felt sick to my stomach. A truth that I have known and have tried to protect myself against, and here it was, spelled out, with a little more detail and authority than my young mind could come up with or explain before.

It’s about how people set themselves up for infidelity, and then something just “happens”. Yes, they SET THEMSELVES UP. Let me explain.

The book talks about the work of a psychologist named Shirley P. Glass. She would see patients who were unfaithful and would ask them how it happened. What she determined was that your relationship with your significant other has “walls and windows” to the outside world. Those windows are appropriate conversation topics that you discuss with your friends and family. Then there are the walls – things that you keep private inside your relationship that you and your significant other know and discuss. There is that trust and intimacy there regarding your private affairs and any private problems you have. The problem is when those walls and windows are rearranged. You decide to share with “just a new friend” some of the intimate details of your relationship. You express your deepest desires and frustrations. It feels good to get all of that out. It feels good to be heard. Those things should not be shared with friends – that is overstepping the bounds of that friendship. Now, to keep your significant other from getting jealous, you hide it from them. Now you have built a wall between you and your significant other. From there, it is only a matter of time before someone is upset and sometime tries to “comfort” the other, and suddenly there’s a desire, a kiss, and maybe more.

This time it isn’t me being crazy. This time someone else is acknowledging that’s how it can work.

Two of my deepest relationships had a girl that was “too close”. I didn’t care about all of the guys’ friends, but there was always just one that was too close; too important. I saw this behavior. And it bothered me. Generally, and I was always proven right in the end, the girl was after him, and he played right into it by being so close to her. And we fought about it. And in some cases, I left them because of it.

In another relationship, the guy was talking to other girls behind my back, because he thought “I’d get upset”. He built a wall between us. I left him for that. The conversations may or may not have been innocent, but he was lying to me. If there isn’t anything sketchy happening, why not tell the other person? How is that building a relationship of trust and respect? It’s not. It’s building a fake relationship built on facades and tip-toeing around. You’re too scared to show your real self, and therefore you won’t ever have a real relationship.

Dr. Glass says that if you find yourself having a conversation where you expose more than you should, you need to go home and tell your significant other. Tell them that you found yourself divulging things that are normally just spoken between the two of you, and how you miss that level of intimacy between the two of you. Instead of just throwing away the intimacy of the relationship, try to get it back! Save the damn relationship! Be honest! Communicate!

I still feel nauseous. It hit a little too close to home for me. I hate being lied to. I hate having things kept from me. It’s not right. I do my best to make sure my significant other knows EVERYTHING. I’m even EXTREME about it. If a guy whistles at me, I tell him. If someone hits on me, I tell him. If a friend confesses he likes me, I tell him and decide how we want to deal with it, as a PARTNERSHIP. It doesn’t just affect me. I refuse to build walls between me and the person I love. Why can’t everyone else do that?? Because you’re scared to lose them?? Why can’t you see that keeping things from them will end up in you guaranteeing the demise of the relationship? No one thinks long term. No one. Except for me, apparently.

I seem to be getting fired up there. Hitting some walls, fears and resistance. I guess this is good. It doesn’t feel good right now. It feels like reliving a whole bunch of bad parts of my relationships.

Pondering What Love Means to Me

I went rogue and started doing some research of my own on marriage, just to get other perspectives and see if other references agree. I don’t even know where to find reliable facts on the internet anymore, so who knows how accurate any of it is. I kept all of that in the back of my head as I read things and discussed with friends and colleagues.

Marriage is really starting to make me feel icky. I swear we (my generation) were raised on all sorts of falsehoods that many people (in fact probably just about everyone) still believe in. “True love” and “you’ll just know when you meet ‘The One’” was engrained in us at a very young age. It kind of makes me angry. I was not prepared for this. I would have done things so much differently; I would have viewed things so much differently. I would have expected such different things. I would not have been as stressed out or upset about anything, really.

So now I’m forced to start thinking about what “love” and “marriage” mean to me. I can have it mean whatever I want. That’s basically the point these days – we are free to make almost any decision we want and for any reason we want.

For starters, I’m pretty terrified that I will now demand to have a boyfriend/husband who has read and absorbed all these books I’ve been reading. I’m afraid I will now want someone who not only fits all my old standards, but in addition, is aware of his “fears” and “ego” and works daily to view the world with love and overcome his fearful ways. My nearly impossible standards just got even MORE ridiculous.

However, I don’t know that for sure. I can speculate as to how I will be, but I really won’t know until someone comes along.

That’s another thing: I basically expect that I have completely killed love for myself. I won’t ever look at feelings for another human being the same way again. Now all I will see is, “Oh, I like this guy. What does that mean? I must be lacking in Trait A, and he has it, and he strengthens that trait in me. Thanks, buddy! Time for me to go off and work on my own Trait A now! See ya!”

That’s… actually kind of how the last one turned out, come to think of it…

Anyways, so if I did want to renew my faith in love, what would I have it mean for me? Most – scratch that, all – of my old standards still apply: No cheating (remembering that you can cheat with your eyes, mind, hands, body, heart, etc.); Hobbies and interests don’t have to be the same, but the desire to support and sometimes join your significant other in their interests should be there; You should want to share the details of your life with the person you are sharing a life with (this would also help with not “growing apart”, not to mention just being up-to-date on your sweetie’s life, problems, thoughts, etc.); Encouraging and supporting one another through hard times and helping to raise each other's confidence when they are feeling low…

Blah, blah, blah. Everything is the same! So I’ll try to focus on what has changed. Has anything changed?

What’s changed is that I probably no longer need as much proof that I am the center of their universe. Maybe I won’t be as paranoid about worst-case scenarios, simply because I know that I will survive if they do turn up (as I write this, I realize that I logically know this, but don’t emotionally know this yet).

I think a good outcome of all this is that I will no longer feel the need to have my significant other be exactly like me and become one with me. I might now be able to accept that I will not know every thought that goes through his head; every conversation he has… and that that’s okay. There isn’t some vital piece of the puzzle that I will miss that will make the whole relationship topple over later. The relationship may crumble, but studying every detail of his thoughts and actions won’t help me avoid it. Even though I may surrender this paranoia, my intelligence and observation skills will not suddenly be turned off. I am smart enough to put pieces together. I am just surrendering the stress of anticipating something that may never happen, or reading into things that don’t matter as much as I think they do.

That is going to be so hard to do.

Really, I’ll keep acting the same for the most part – the difference will be in how I perceive the other person. That, in turn, will reduce one of the only behavior flaws I have – getting upset and reading too much into things.

I’m almost scared for the world. Once I fix that, I’m unstoppable! And if I lose weight, too… goodness. The world isn’t ready for such awesomeness.

See? That’s the attitude you have to have with yourself. Be your own cheerleader. Be your own supportive coach. Know that deep down, under all those fears, you are incredible and irresistible.

Love yourself.

History of Love and Marriage

As you may know, I am now questioning the validity, meaning and necessity of love. In addition to reading May Cause Miracles, which requires reading a couple pages each day, I am reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert for pleasure.

Committed is exactly what I need to be reading right now, because it explores the history of marriage, the implications of marriage and any connections it may or may not have to love. I am learning so much. In general, I already knew a lot of the things in the book, but not the extent to which it infects the institution of marriage.

I grew up looking around at all the vulgar stuff around me and declared that I was born in the wrong era. It used to be inappropriate to do a lot of the vile things people do and show these days. I knew the implications as far as women’s rights, but I felt like society was going to hell, and honestly I’m confident I’d be one of the big women’s rights leaders if I was born back then, anyway.

Reading some of the stories, and noticing how recent some of them are – some even in the 50s – I got a little teary eyed. I finally became grateful to be born when I was. All this vulgarity around me is really just the byproduct of the freedom we have. It isn’t good, but what it says about where we are today IS good. We are becoming more equal and more accepting. Like I just said, it isn’t all good, and I do feel like women are being objectified, but I’m starting to think that is less the case now than in the past – it’s just showing up in different ways now. Again, I already knew so much of this. I know about history. It’s just the application of those truths in today’s society that now seem to be clicking. Very interesting.

It’s horrifying to read about how marriage was viewed in early times all the way up through today. I highly suggest reading this book and fact-checking if you’d like. I know a lot of people that would not believe the things I’ve read in this book. I plan on doing a little research, myself. Some of the more eye-opening points are how marriage was actually frowned upon by early Christians. Marriage itself was little better than being a whore. Only when the church became political and got upset about the political implications of marriage and divorce did our current notion of marriage being “sacred” and “holy” come about. Hard to believe, huh? There’s more stuff like that in there. Not just about religion. That’s just one example. It’s very fascinating and will probably inspire me to do my own research.

As the book goes on, it talks about infatuation and the beginning of relationships. I found myself nodding hysterically. I always hated the “honeymoon” part of a relationship. The book is talking about how we project things onto our lovers; that we are just intoxicated by our own reflection. I have always understood that. I always felt like the beginning of a relationship was fake to some extent. Both parties are trying to impress the other; you still don’t really know who that person is; you let things slide because you don’t want to cause a fuss. I’d always try to expedite the process. I gave them the most honest rundown of me, my thoughts, my flaws and my mistakes, such that, right up front, they know who they are dealing with. And I expected the same in return, which was never fully reciprocated, I feel like. I’d get some information, but they never seemed to see the importance, or if they did, they hadn’t ever analyzed themselves enough to know what to say. Or they were just hiding stuff. It did make them feel way more confident about me, though. I feel like a relationship isn’t real until you’ve had your first fight. Then you get to see what ticks someone off and how you both work together to fix it. That’s the beginning of the REAL relationship, because you were authentic enough to disagree.

My main complaint is still the same. The more I explore what love and marriage is all about, the less I see a point in it. Why raise kids with fairy tales of true love when the whole thing is as real as Santa Claus?