What Is Your "It"?

There are a lot of thoughts and concepts that have been going through my head. A lot of truths and a lot of judgments. I’ve been thinking more about balance, in particular, and informing myself that everything from that post I wrote applies to my deepest, darkest issues, as well. It applies to those most of all. The thoughts and judgments are actually more personal and private than I care to share, so I’ll express “it” vaguely, in ways that can possibly inspire others.

It’s the things that upset us the very most and cause us the most grief in our lives that we are the most imbalanced on. At least, I’m discovering that’s the case for me. Like I said in a previous post, it isn’t that I’m wrong. I’m doing the right thing, and I’m thinking the right things. I just see others behaving badly, so I’m shouting out how everyone should act, and hearing only that. Well, I’ve already learned that lesson. Just as I said before, I’ve already learned that lesson, and staying all the way over here in the corner of “the right thing” isn’t really helping anything. My actions and my own opinions will always be there. The way I look at things and feel about things will always be there. I’m not saying I’m loosening up on my morals, strong beliefs, or values. As always, it is just about acceptance. Truly hearing and accepting the whole entire truth of the matter. Acknowledging that the capacity to act the way others do resides, or at least did, within me, and that what I’ve learned and what I know has guided me to a way of life that is the most pure and ideal. “Guided” is a weird word here, because it implies I wasn’t always there, and I basically have been, but I guess I was “guided” there from a neutral point, whereas others would have to be “guided” there from the opposite side of the matter. Hopefully being this vague isn’t confusing… just think of something you feel very strongly about, that you have a hard time accepting about others, and put that thought in place of all my vague “it”s.

What drives others resides in me, as well. What drives others to behave in ways I disagree with is still inside me. I took a different path, and chose the better way, but the underlying “it” is this still there, and I have to accept it for what it is. Seeing it and accepting it in me might be the first step here. You can take it to different levels. You can exploit it, you can disrespect it and you can indulge in it. I chose not to. I chose to make it pure and righteous. But “it” still exists, regardless. I can’t deny that “it” is there.

I have by no means made this step yet. I have just now realized I’m going to have to tackle this beast. I am going to have to come to terms with the things that upset me most in the entire world. I have to acknowledge that “it” resides in me, such that I can open it up and analyze it better. I don’t have to be okay with the things that upset me. I just have to know that they stem from something that everyone has. Some can abuse it, but “it” itself is not horrible. Only what people do with it is horrible. That’s the first step… who knows how long it will take to get there.

What is your “it”? What upsets you the most about people, society or the world? Can you acknowledge that whatever it is, the seed of it is within all of us, even you? Can you accept that people take “it” and run down all sorts of different paths, drag it through the mud, abuse it, and turn it into something horrible, but that “it” itself isn’t horrible? That “it” has, or at least had, a purpose in human life?

Paying Your Dues

I just watched part of a movie on television. One of the characters messed up and the main character was appalled and upset. The first character cried out that she was sorry as the main character left her. “She’s not sorry. They’re never really sorry,” I literally said out loud to no one in particular. Maybe to my cat—I don’t know.

I quickly noticed the judgmental negativity in my words. Ah! That’s not very accepting. I guess the problem with all of this is that I do see how people think; I do see people’s motives and intentions, and it is especially disturbing when they are selfish and fleeting. Yet again, I am faced with finding some sort of imaginary line between seeing things how they are, and accepting things for how they are. I feel like the two are different. Granted this was a movie, so it is all acting, but this happens a lot in the real world, too. I see through people. If I don’t know anything about them, I realize that, and I don’t hold much confidence in my initial judgments. But as time goes on, and I see patterns, and I start to see what makes them tick, I start to harden my conclusions about them. There’s good and bad, for sure—but let’s say this movie character was a real person. They messed up because they care too much about what other people think, because they don’t have enough courage and self-respect to do the right thing. They have to impress other people in order to feel they have any value. That’s just pathetic. I understand, but it is still wrong. What’s the next step here? It wasn’t one of my hot topics, so I felt no need to get fired up about it. It didn’t press my buttons. Later the cowardly character was presented with another situation where she stood up for what was right. Good for her, but she was still weak before. She doesn’t get a pass for her prior horrible actions.

Maybe my next lesson in acceptance is to figure out when someone has “paid their dues”. That doesn’t necessarily mean external punishment. On the contrary. They need to “get” it in order to have “paid their dues”. They need to see and feel how wrong they were. They need to fix it, and then feel ashamed at how they acted. Wait, does that sound horrible? Yeah, kinda. Another lesson I still need to learn is when has someone made up for their mistakes? What mistakes are unforgivable, and how much thought, growth and action can make up for the ones that can be forgiven?

Those are questions I can’t answer right now. I think those are down the line. I’m not there yet. For now, it is good to acknowledge that this is still an area of growth for me, and I should focus on trying to understand someone’s side when they make a mistake. Eventually I’ll figure out what comes next. Clearly we all can’t just go around forgiving everyone for screwing up. You can’t just simply forgive people for stealing, murdering, lying, cheating and other horrible things. They truly did something wrong. That has to be acknowledged. But for me, the first step is to try to understand where they are coming from, and forget all the “You messed up! How could you? Who does that? You know better! You must be evil,” comments that my mind spits out. Yeah, you can’t just forgive everyone right away, but you also can’t NEVER forgive and hold onto the past.

This learning acceptance thing is a process, and my first step is to put myself in their shoes, without fighting it. I could always do that, but I always thought, “Still! Still, that isn’t the right thing to do! Still, they should know better!” But that is me putting myself in their situation and still doing what I know is right. No—I have to forget myself and really look deep into where they are coming from. It’s not like it’s hard—I just have to actually do it, and make my morals shut up for a second. I’m not abandoning my morals. I just have to put them on mute so I can hear everything else going on.

Nice. We’re getting to some good stuff, now. “Now we’re cooking with peanut oil,” as Phil Robertson says.

Can People Change

In my very first post I said how I don’t think people can truly change. I said I believe people change their actions because they learn that they don’t like the consequences, but that they don’t suddenly become morally against their previous way of life, and when tempted, they may fall back to old habits. Their actions may change; their nature does not.

I think I’m starting to think that, yes that is one way it happens, but some people may truly be able to change. Maybe people go full-speed ahead not understanding why they are doing what they are doing, and when things finally start to click, they can see behind the curtain. When they do some soul-searching and really understand what the needs behind their actions truly are, they can see how their actions are actually not fulfilling their soul’s needs. Then they can come to a place within themselves where they “get it”, and having that new knowledge, they would never go back to their old way of life, because they can never look at anything the same again.

It’s like watching a suspenseful movie with a completely unexpected ending. Once you’ve seen the movie all the way through, you can’t watch it the same way. You already know what happens. Now all you notice are the little hints all the way through the movie that subtly pointed towards that twist ending. It doesn’t have the same suspense and shock as the first time you saw it, because now you “get it”; now you see how everything fits together so perfectly.

That’s like someone who indulges in superficial things. Maybe some person or event finally pokes a hole in their view of the world, and they start to wonder. But they can’t just “wonder” – they’d still have to do a whole lot of soul-searching and growth to really uncover and believe in that new way of life. Their actions and their thoughts would need to change – but it is possible. Even if most people don’t change, it is still possible. Knowing what they know now, they may never be able to think of things the same way. They may never be able to look at the opposite gender the same way, or their relationships with their close friends, or their attitude towards strangers. Maybe they were on auto-pilot and not thinking deeply enough, and when their soul finally screamed out to them, they finally listened.

Hm. Interesting. I’m sure I’ve heard or read similar words many times before, but this time I actually might believe them. I might. I’m not 100% there, but I’ve made room in my heart for that explanation. I’m maybe 80% there. You know what the biggest example of that theory is? Me. I’m trying to change. I’m trying to be more accepting, and the more I do my own soul-searching and research, the more I see things in a new light. Now, I could just be the former. I could just be changing my actions because I don’t like the outcome. In a way, I am. But that is still to be determined. I know this is the right way to live, regardless of any benefit to me. It’s like this dream I had the other night. I dreamt I was sitting on a cloud. It was nice, but I was scared. How am I staying up here? What if I fall? Then I saw that I was tethered to the cloud by a cord. I couldn’t fall. I looked up clouds in a dream dictionary when I woke up. Clouds are supposed to mean inner peace, positive thoughts and wisdom. It’s like my mind was telling me that I am on the right track, and I cannot fail. I’m tethered to this now. This is my new way of thinking. I can’t fall away from it. That was really reassuring. Even if you don’t believe that dreams mean anything (do some research because they definitely do!), you have to admit the value in being reassured by something like that, even if it is the placebo effect.

Less than a month into this, and I’m making some excellent headway in adjusting my thoughts to a healthier and more accepting way of life! I’m so excited! The big test will be if I can actually implement all of this with real people. Abstract thoughts and analysis is great, but at some point you have to apply it to the real world. I bet Life can’t wait to test me… I can’t wait to see what happens!

See Through The Flaws

The vital organs inside the body of Acceptance include understanding where someone is coming from. You must see through the flaws into the needs behind them. This is difficult if not impossible sometimes. At any given time, we can’t be so self-righteous as to think that we really know the needs behind someone’s flaws. But an exercise that at least dabbles in trying to figure it out opens up the mind and heart to understanding, and that is the whole point.

Let’s start off with some simple examples. Someone who seeks a lot of attention probably didn’t get enough attention as a child, has abandonment issues, or feels insecure in some way and requires external validation. Someone who is critical of others and abrasive was probably raised to measure life and success based on results, and is fighting a losing battle in their own life trying to measure-up on a never-ending quest for “more” – more power, more money, more possessions, more business, more [insert thing here]. They put the same standards on others, so their own inner-voice and inner-fears that drive them are generously bestowed upon those around them, as well, in order to light a fire under everyone else’s butt the way the voices motivate the person in question.

See where this is going? The point isn’t whether or not I’m right, though I think I’m not too far off the mark. The point is to make space in your mind and heart to understand and accept people who are “bad”, “mean”, “annoying” or anything else.

Okay, now let’s wade out into some deeper waters. Some of the topics that upset me. Let’s try to understand sluts, both male and female. Let’s start with female. This is probably related to external validation. As long as guys want her, she is “good enough”. The media shows her what she should look like and what she has to be, so as long as guys want her, she measures up. Maybe there’s a little bit of feeling powerful, when otherwise she would not feel very competent. Maybe she is naively hoping through her behaviors she will find true love, or maybe she even thinks each one is “the one” until the morning and soberness comes and she is left alone again. Now let’s move on to males. Obviously there is the whole biological aspect, but that’s secondary and not a true answer, in my opinion. This one is trickier for me. Again, the media has shown them what they are supposed to want. If the guy is a slut, that means girls are allowing it to happen, so the girls the guy is around are already damaged, and teaching him that all girls must be damaged in those ways. He’ll come to his own conclusions based on the actions of these girls. Of course he won’t know that their behavior is based on validation and insecurity—he’ll just conclude that girls are sex objects, because they are so willing to fulfill that mere role. This must also be external validation for the guy. It shows power and superiority in masculinity, which must mean he feels somewhat insecure in power and masculinity. He is probably also comparing himself to what he sees around him and in the media, and trying to measure up as a male, just as the girl slut is. Neither of them are mature enough to understand that they are using other people to prop themselves up. They are both desperately looking for their own pleasure and external validation, and they don’t see the psychological damage they are doing to themselves, because their unconscious knows better and is being tortured by their behavior and scarring them further. Sorry, got some judgments there at the end, but prior to that, I think that’s some good stuff to start with. Interesting. I wonder how much of that is true, and how much I completely made up.

The next, and very important part of this, is that it isn’t your job to fix people. This is like the warning label on a bottle. I’ll quote Sheldon Cooper and his mom from The Big Bang Theory:

Sheldon: I'm not going to apologize. I didn't say anything that wasn't true.

Mary: Now you listen here. I've been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else but you can't go around pointing it out.

Sheldon: And why not?

Mary: Because people don't like it!

Not only is it not your job – not only could it be rude – but it could also be counter-productive. Everyone is on their own life path at their own pace. They may not be ready or able to truly see or learn whatever lesson you think they should learn. I’m so guilty of “going around pointing it out”, but usually my advice is at least half-welcomed by friends, and I’ve been trying to learn how to adjust my advice to the individual to help them realize things on their own with baby steps. Still trying to perfect that.

Who in your life has flaws that bug you? Can you see past it into the possible reasons for the flaws? Can you accept them with that knowledge?

Balance

This post basically continues where Ignorance is Bliss left off, but I felt the topic changed enough for it to be a new post.
 

There’s always a fine-tuned balance for a healthy life. People can fall on either extreme, so any advice needs to suit their own situation. For example, referring to the post from yesterday, generally blocking out problems and ignoring them is really bad. Well, I was so far in the other extreme that a little bit of it helped me to learn how I can balance out. If I were someone who always ignored problems, then I would have needed a heavy dose of the other extreme to learn how to even out. I’m so far down the road that self-help, parents, teachers and counselors usually point towards that I actually need to come back towards the middle of the road.

That’s probably where some of my anger and non-acceptance comes from. I do everything by the book, because I can look 20 steps ahead and see the consequences of my actions. I hate it when people talk about “living in the moment” because to me that just means they are being irresponsible and hedonistic. That doesn’t have to be the case. I’m already going to look 20 steps ahead regardless. For me to “live in the moment” would not be the same thing as what I’m thinking it would be. I need to stop telling myself the same lessons I think other people should learn. That is not a life of balance for me – I’ve already learned those lessons, and they are pushing me way off balance at this point. Other people may live by the mantra “You Only Live Once” and it may mean really irresponsible things. But again, I’m trying to be in other people’s heads. It doesn’t have to mean that for me. It doesn’t have to mean being impulsive and stupid. I think what I want out of life is pure and admirable, so for me, “living in the moment” would still be pure. Who am I trying to convince, anyway? Apparently I was trying to convince myself. That’s interesting.

 

What would “living in the moment” mean for me? This reminds me of that song I love – “A Long December” by Counting Crows. There is one line that goes, “I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass.” That line always struck me, because I DON’T live in the moment as much as I should. I’m always looking ahead, and at times I realize how much I’m missing by not appreciating where I am at any given moment. So, for me, “living in the moment” means really savoring every moment in life, and being fully present. Savoring the GOOD. I always completely feel all the negative things in life, but not the good. It doesn’t mean doing crazy things. It just means looking around and acknowledging the beauty of a sunset, or the crisp winter smell, or getting lost in the taste of some hot cocoa. I try to embrace those moments, but I really don’t. I haven’t mastered that yet.

I’m always in a rush. Even if I’m not, I always feel like I’m in a rush. I eat fast, I walk fast… and sometimes all of that is necessary, but I need to learn how to turn that off sometimes and just slow down. Rushing and looking ahead just makes me dread doing things that I know will require me to rush. The other night I had to fight my inner voice that told me to not go out, saying, “It’s too much trouble, I’m late, I look like crap and I won’t enjoy myself.” I won the fight and went out anyway. I view everything as some chore or obligation that I have to rush to do, even if I enjoy it. My mindset needs to change so I can stop tainting the things I love to do. Stop rushing. Yes, you need to plan things out. That is the responsible thing to do. Regardless, I’m going to do that. I’ve LEARNED that lesson. Now I have to learn the opposite lesson – not everything is a huge deal. It isn’t the end of the world if I am late. It isn’t the end of the world if I have to cancel something or if plans change. Just KNOWING that will reduce the stress and help me get things done faster, because all the time I spend stressing out will be freed up.

What things in your life are you unbalanced on? How can you move closer to a more balanced life? What lessons do you need to learn to do that?